No 3678 Set by Margaret Rogers
We asked for a realistic set of rules for the royal family to live by.
Report by Ms de Meaner
Tee-hee! I'm afraid some got edited a bit more viciously than others. Will Bellenger certainly sent in some weirdos this week, of which only one made it. Why abroad? I, for example, would simply adore it if the Queen passed by humming "Bohemian Rhapsody". Some of you were clearly trying to be sincerely helpful ("Stop wearing those horrible clothes" from Basil Ransome-Davies, which I cut), while others ("A royal must dress in conservative style but in the brightest colours to stand out in a crowd" from M E Ault, also cut) were being a bit mischievous. £20 to Ian Birchall, £10 to the rest. I know some had more entries than others, but then some of the singletons were shit-hot. The vouchers go to Ian Birchall.
- The English monarchy has the potential to last 1,000 years. But to do so, it needs to develop "public relations" skills which are currently lacking.
- The British people do not wish to be ruled from Europe. It is therefore singularly inadvisable to inaugurate your reign by landing at Hastings with a large French army. You cannot expect the Sun to respond well to this.
- The murder of children will arouse press hostility at any time; to do it in a well-known tourist attraction such as the Tower of London is especially foolish.
- To behead one wife may be considered deplorable; to behead two will provoke the wrath of the Daily Mail. (And changing religion to speed up your divorce doesn't look too good, either.)
- To refuse to learn English during a reign of 67 years will not go down well with the tabloids, which have difficulty with foreign languages and would be unlikely to interview you.
- To declare support for a Nazi dictator about to declare war on your own country is just about acceptable. But if you have an affair with a divorced woman at the same time, there might well be a scandal.
Ian Birchall
- The following are generally acceptable: adultery, vacuity, insanity and a certain amount of indolence. But give up the pathetic attempts at organic farming, writing children's books, media management, and so on. It's not going to happen.
- Probably there's nothing to be done now about the way you speak. So the best thing is to speak as little as possible, at least in public.
Basil Ransome-Davies
- Royalty must not express strong opinions, except when such expression may pass as charming eccentricity.
- Royalty should, at all times, display their love of dumb creatures.
M E Ault
- Keep your tyres inflated properly. Pedalling will be much easier, because you'll be reducing road resistance. Keep your chain clean and well lubricated. Make sure your shifter and brake cables are adjusted as needed.
Bruce W Alter
Queen Mother
- Put a little water in it.
- Then put a little more water in it.
Prince Charles
- For God's sake, marry the woman: put us out of our boredom!
Prince Edward
- I dunno . . . somehow nothing seems to come to mind, really . . .
The Queen
- Next time - adopt . . .
Michael Cregan
- Stop flying the Union Jack on your various palaces when in residence. This practice merely draws attention to the fact that the others are empty, and could be taken, however mistakenly, as rubbing the noses of some of your loyal homeless subjects in their lack of "feck".
David Barton
- Do not on any account speak into a recording device in a luxury hotel, particularly to an Arab sheikh impersonator.
- Never refer to the Prime Minister in too familiar a way (the PM's wife should never be alluded to).
- If you have to work, work as a publicist for charities only (but try not to publicise them in too outrageous a manner in luxury hotels).
- Don't accept any monies from Hello!, Hoolah!, Hurrah!, Yippee!, Whoopee!, or from any social-gossip organs.
John O'Byrne
- When abroad, you may gain popularity by whistling either "Bohemian Rhapsody" or "Purple Rain".
Will Bellenger
- Asking photographers to respect Camilla's privacy is reasonable - insisting they use soft-focus lenses is not.
Peter Reeve
Advice to those marrying in
- Don't.
- If you absolutely have to, ie, you are: a) pregnant, b) out of your mind, c) madly in love with the inbred, parasitical halfwit, or d) all three of the above, then go to the guidelines below. If not, return to top.
- Take out a stakeholder pension.
- Keep your flat in Belsize Park.
- Don't give up the day job.
- If he cuts himself shaving, tie a tourniquet round his neck straight away.
David Silverman
No 3681 Set by Gavin Ross
So Tony Blair decided he could "come out" about needing glasses after misreading "teenagers" as "teachers". Could we have other famous speeches/addresses/famous texts that, when misread, might have changed history. Max 200 words and in by 24 May.
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
