No 3677 Set by George Cowley

Richard J Evans recently referred in the NS to those times being "the post-literate age". We asked for a suitable piece of prose about this age, whatever it might be.

Report by Ms de Meaner

It's such fun to set comps like this: you just don't know what you're going to get. Such as Bruce Alter's half-page of ones and noughts and the invitation to translate it at www.plinko.net/binary/toenglish.asp. This produced three (yes, three) lines of English asking "Why should we be tied down to outmoded English usage when binary communication is much simpler? This," the message continued, "will culminate in the direct downloading of so-called literature to our brains, allowing much more efficient enjoyment." I can't say I was convinced. I liked Adrian Fry's "post-literate bestsellers", which included Txt by Mandi Cherysh at £14.99: an inconclusive teenage romance told entirely through text messages. Hon menshes also go to Ian Birchall, who "blamed the prevalence of txt massaging parlours", D A Prince ("B8ovn", "hasl-fre") and R Ewing. I wasn't too sure about merely spelling everything phonetically - I seem to have judged that comp before. £20 to the winners; the vouchers go to John O'Byrne, for making me reach for a hanky.

LO! I WAN2 SPK 2U 2DAY RE NU AGE SPK. ITS GRT, NO1 XLNT SPK 4 U C? POSTLIT SPKS A1 4 TSTS 4 1 & ALL, MOBILE OR DTP. NOT JUST 4 NOOVS BUT U & ME. DWEMS 4 OUT. MULTICULTI 4 IN. OK? TT4N.

Words taken from: BT Cellnet information leaflet; Oxford Dictionary of New Words; Politically Correct Dictionary. GHUS! (God help us all)

T Griffiths

GCSE Examination in World Literature.

Time: 5 minutes. You must not spend more than half a minute on any question. If you can't read, ask the teacher to do it for you.

***

1) Summarise the plot, themes and characterisation of these texts in one word (eg, Moby Dick = Gotcha).

a) Hamlet b) Winnie the Pooh c) Crime and Punishment d) Neighbours.

2) Did you laugh when you saw Gladiator? Any reply will do here or anywhere else.

3) Finish this quotation using be or bee: To be or not to . . . "

4) Translate in Modern English: "To be or not to be."

5) Translate into Text Messaging - you may use your ltle bk of txt msgs to help you (p49):

a) I am having a sex change b) I need some corrective surgery c) I am a nerd d) The answer wasn't in the bottle.

6) Translate from Text Messaging (pp14-26): a) 2moro b) 3sum 4) CU d) hot4U.

7) Does IHTFP mean "I have truly found paradise" or "I hate this f'n place"?

9) Do not check your work.

10) SWALK.

Barbara Daniels

Each morning around eight o'clock (except Sundays) I love to hear that plop on the hall mat. It gives me a frisson of joy. It could be a Reader's Digest notification that I may have won a Grand Prize of £250,000, to be presented by a well-known TV celebrity at a posh hotel such as The Savoy in London. Or it could be a bill from the Electricity Board informing me that I'll be "cut off forthwith" unless I pay a sum ("including arrears") within SEVEN DAYS.

During the Middle Ages, there was no postal system, but a system of private messengers, who used to run around on horses. Then the development of trade and commerce gave rise to the establishment of government services specialising in the delivery of postal items. It wasn't until the invention of the stagecoach and the widening use of roads that the system became a reliable one (it used to take 17 days for a letter to arrive at York from Bath). Another major development was by Roland Hill in 1837; he had the idea of charging a standard rate based on weight rather than distance. From this emerged the stamp. The next significant development was airmail service, by which letters were flown by planes. Then came fax and e-mails.

Soon letters will be a thing of the past.

John O'Byrne

Post-literacy came about like the rest of what happened, by coming after the things that went before it. Like in Post-Punk, Post-Modern. Kwik'n'Easy, Toys R Us, McEverything. Wassuuuuuuuuup! Like analogic, see. Thing you know is thing you see, looks like what it is, not like words, more like pictures, etc. Easy peasy Japanesey. The image. Yeah. Suits you, sir. Correctamundo. Cowabunga. You talkin' to me? So words on pager, text messages, sound system, screen, etc, safe, wicked, ace, brill, excellent. Words on paper - not! Think Madonna. Madonna writes? I don't think so. No way, Jose. But the wossname, the dynamic. Think cyberspace. Radical expansion of manufactured needs. I can't believe it's not butter. I want your sex. Would you give a man a hand massage? It's ambient stuff, man, it's what you live not what you think. Hey - couch potato! Get your lazy ass into the mall. Life's a bitch unless you buy. Lacoste. Nike. Boss. Armani. Ooh-ah Cantona! Boot up. Double click. Log off. You are the weakest link. Hasta la vista . . . baby.

Basil Ransome-Davies

No 3680 Set by John Crick

We all know Auberon Waugh's verb to pilger ("to treat a subject emotionally with generous disregard for inconvenient detail"), from which we also got the noun pilgerism. Could we have a new batch: to tarrant, perhaps, or to widdecombe? Nouns or verbs permissible and as many goes as you like. Max 200 words and in by 17 May.

E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk