No 3671 Set by George Cowley

As John Redwood said in the NS: "Some of the most liberal people I know are also the most intolerant." We asked for an intolerant, liberal rant.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Great fun to read. Why did I feel I'd met some of these people somewhere? £20 to the winners, hon menshes to Gerard Benson, Adrian Fry, Will Bellenger, Stephen Bibby, J Seery, D A Prince and Robin Oakley-Hill. As Anne Du Croz sent in two brilliant entries, she gets the vouchers. I was sorry not to be able to fit in David "get obese in the privacy of your own home" Silverman. An especially glowing hon mensh for him.

Extremists! They make me sick! Just look at them, the arrogant bastards, it's always no, no, we won't compromise, we want it all. Bloody kids! What kind of an attitude is that? Hanging's too good for them. And that's another thing - all those lynchers and floggers and blood-drinkers who are hiding up Ann Widdecombe's skirt - what's their problem? Sadistic scum, they should be rounded up and made to do community service - oh yes, we hear a lot about the community these days, everyone's got a community, including paedophiles and racists, but where's any real sense of community, eh? Tell me that. Time was when you could enjoy a glass of Muscadet and do the Guardian crossword while listening to Radio 3 and know everyone in your neighbourhood was doing the same. Christ, those were the days! You respected other people's freedom then, live and let live. Now it's all hard drugs and bondage parties. And the dogshit! I'd make 'em eat it. Worse than taxi drivers, some dog owners - and the taxi drivers are always fat Nazi steroid-abusing skinheads who'll stereotype you as soon as look at you. I blame society.

Basil Ransome-Davies

We liberals take an optimistic view of human nature, and will make life hellish for the millions of pea-brained cynics who disagree with us. Dogma is dead, of that we are certain; and those who deny our basic humanist belief - that reason is superior to religion - are predestined to suffer. As for specifics, free speech is an absolute right, and we will not hesitate to silence those who think otherwise. We have a passionate hatred of racial and sexual prejudice, and will deport all those reactionary, Islamic harridans who stand in the way of progress. All this requires, of course, a radical overhaul of our constitution: a new Bill of Rights, making people aware of their duties; a new Decentralisation Act, forcing the regional assemblies to uphold our devolutionary ideals; a democratised second chamber, where enlightened appointees won't have to pander to public opinion; and, most important of all, proportional representation, thus ensuring that Liberal parties are always in power to guarantee democracy - even when the vast majority of voters are too stupid to support us.

Richard Kelly

He's not going, Alice - even if he cries himself to sleep every night. That's an end of it. No son of mine joins a quasi-militaristic outfit and ponces around in a cap and woggle. "Dib, dib, dib . . ." Hah! "Akela this, Akela that . . ." Load of sentimental, anthropomorphic, Jungle Book nonsense. Bloody hell, Kipling! Bloody colonialist! And Baden-Powell, him in his socks and silly hat: fascist and founder . . . up to no end of malarkey in the Boer war. All for Queen and country, of course. Really knotted up . . . . kinky about little boys. Yes he was! Saw a documentary about him on Channel 4. Masochistic . . . used to sleep out on a cold balcony, ostensibly to toughen himself up. Scouting for Boys . . . Ye gods! Weird . . . most unhealthy. Well, well . . . Only one on his table not going camping? Great, he can get used to making a stand. When they march off, he'll come with me and the Conservation Volunteers. Woman who runs the Cubs, wassername, Mrs Elphick . . . she's married to the Tory mayor of Bampton! Hardly likely to be a good influence, is she? So what if Barry Elphick is his best friend? He's only eight. Plenty of time to make some more.

Anne Du Croz

This line's dreadful. I could swear you said "married". You did? And in church? Bloody hell! Your mother and I didn't spend your formative years being cool and laid-back and encouraging you to be tolerant of alternative lifestyles just to see you genuflecting to the establishment. The next thing, you'll be into baptism and godparents and smacking . . . You're joking! Or I'm having a nightmare. I'll tell you one thing, young lady, you won't get us into your wretched church, that's for sure. I haven't fought for freedom of expression all my life only to brown-nose a reactionary institution like the C of E. It's Peregrine's idea, I bet. An anally retentive, God-bothering, Tory-voting creep, and you want to marry him! What was wrong with Dylan? And the squat? And the campaign against global capitalism? Great guy, that. You could share a spliff with him and discuss the tyranny of convention and . . . What do you mean, no more cannabis? You no longer believe in decriminalising soft drugs? Right! That's it! Finito! It's come to something when a man isn't allowed to smoke a joint at his own daughter's wedding. Whatever happened to John Stuart Mill, eh? Tell me that!

Watson Weeks

No 3674 Set by Barbara Daniels

During the US presidential election, George W Bush revealed his understanding of how "more and more [American] imports come from overseas". Could we have a speech by him in which he explains his grasp of the mechanics of the global economy. You have 200 words maximum, which are to be in by 5 April.

E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

Post your comment

Please note: you will need to login or register before you can comment on the website