No 3669 Set by John Crick

A trendy vicar gives the reasons behind his particular interpretation of one of the Ten Commandments.

Report by Ms de Meaner

A number of excellent entries - I particular warmed to Will Bellenger's "I've been itching to say a few words about leylandii", but just didn't have the room. Sorry, Will. £20 to the winners; the vouchers go to R Ewing.

This is cannabis resin. An eighth of the finest Moroccan. Last week, half an ounce of this gear went missing from the vestry during choir practice. One of you has obviously forgotten the most important commandment: Do not covet thy neighbour's stash. Or should that be Do not steal? Either way, I'm reminded of the scene in The Sopranos (Series 2, Episode 13) where Tony, Silvio and Paulie take Pussy out on a boat to kill him. The guys have discovered that he's been working for the Feds. At first, Pussy denies all knowledge, just as Peter denied Jesus those times. This only makes Tony and the boys more angry, not unlike Jesus kicking off in the temple. But when Pussy finally does the right thing and owns up, he earns their respect and they show leniency. They leave his face alone and only shoot him in the body. I want each of you to be thinking about that when I come round and ask if you know who the hell took my lump of blow. But now, let's turn to the book of Isaac for our first hymn, the theme from Shaft.

R Ewing

Thou shalt not bear false witness. That's the commandment. Sounds hard, doesn't it? You know, people often ask me: "Vicar, is it always wrong to lie?" And I say: "We must tell the truth." Then I say: "But let us not confuse mere fact with truth."

A ship's captain once became so drunk that his number two had to take over. The next day, what did the captain find written in the ship's log? "Captain drunk all day." When he protested, the number two replied: "I have written nothing but the truth." So the next day the captain wrote: "Number two sober all day."

You see, what we must always consider is what message our words will convey. Some of you, I know, are in politics. Might it not sometimes be the case that a strictly accurate statement could suggest that your party is unfit to govern? Now you believe you are fit to govern. So, a truthful statement would be one that, while not in itself factually accurate, conveyed that message. A lie can be a higher form of truth. It's the message that counts.

Keith Norman

Thou shalt not kill. Sounds pretty unequivocal, right? But remember, God was writing on tablets of stone, hardly the ideal medium for getting across a complex moral argument. Taken literally, the commandment seems nonsensical. If we didn't kill plants and animals, we wouldn't have any food and would end up effectively killing ourselves, an outcome God can't possibly have wanted. But since God doesn't offer us any guidance on what or who precisely we can kill, the ball is pretty much is our court. So what's the use of a commandment we can't obey? Well, I don't think God is laying down the law here. He's merely expressing His aesthetic preference for not killing over killing, much as we might prefer Manchester United to Arsenal or Britney Spears to Eminem. God knows only too well that killing is part of everyday life on Earth, but he doesn't have to like it. So, you see, God isn't going to punish you for killing, but if you really want to get on God's wavelength it might be an idea to try not to enjoy it.

Adrian Fry

Hi folks. Coming here tonight, I was tempted. Yes, I admit it. I was tempted to cheat on Mr God and his Thou shalt not steal line. On the pavement in front of the Silverfish chippy - among the greasy old chip bags, throwaway wooden forks and crushed Coke cans - I saw it lying there. A crumpled tenner!

"Hey, Vic," I hear you say. "Whad yer do?" Well, I did the right thing. I put it in my pocket. If I'd gone into the chippy waving it about, saying: "Does this belong to anyone?"- what would have happened? You know only too well. Every Matt, Mark, Luke and John would've claimed it - and there would have been a fight, right? The Mother of All Fights. If I'd handed it to Mr Silverfish, he'd have spent it on cross-Channel fags or booze - depriving our sainted Customs & Excise boys of their tax cut. And if I'd given it to the polis, I doubt it would have gone into the fuzz's benevolent fund!

Mr God moves in mysterious ways and, as I'd only had two numbers in Saturday's Lottery, I know he would've wanted me to keep it . . .

Susan Therkelsen

As far as the tenth commandment Thou shalt not covet they neighbour's wife is concerned, you should probably bear the following points in mind:

1) The guy next-door-but-one is OK and so is his wife. Especially if you don't share the same postcode.

2) If your neighbour is living in sin, then his partner is fair game.

3) As is his daughter.

4) There is nothing wrong with having a relationship with your neighbour's wife which doesn't involve coveting her - "covet" does not extend to "cover", or indeed to sharing a duvet.

5) Remember the Bible's main message is that your neighbour should share all his possessions. Just don't tell him.

6) If you are a woman, there's nothing said about not coveting your neighbour's husband. This is clearly an invitation.

Phil Mott

No 3672 Set by George Cowley

Colin Tudge wrote (NS, 26 February): "Natural selection can be explained in five minutes." We want a ten-year-old's explanation in under 200 words by 22 March.

E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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