Just why did Tony Blair sack Mandy? The question is still being asked because the Hammond report - not a whitewash, more a vinyl-silk job - does not explain what happened. One fresh theory highlights Mandelson's Christmas recess visit to Syria (first revealed in the NS by Jackie Ashley) "to look at ancient monuments". While not seeking to deny the re-disgraced ex-Ulster secretary's passion for Crusader castles, interestingly placed snouts tell me that Mandy was hauled into No 10 for a headmaster's interview before the passports scandal broke. He had embarrassed HMG by holding meetings with Syrian movers and shakers, including the president, Bashar al-Assad.

After these high-level contacts, he met the British ambassador in Damascus but without a note of what had been said, and an incomplete memory. According to this line of reasoning, it was a furious Robin Cook who acted as the executioner, not Jack Straw, although the Home Secretary happily threw in a few taken-into-considerations. Other sources insist that Mandy's trip was fully authorised by all relevant departments, and even had the backing of the Palace. This sounds unlikely. Why send someone with a proven track record of undiplomatic meddling into such a sensitive region at such a difficult time? Blair once confided to Michael White of the Guardian: "Peter is the first person I would ring if World War Three broke out." Yes, but he wasn't supposed to start the damn thing.

Their Lordships plainly fear the advance of the European superstate through the back door. The kitchen door, to be precise. After complaints from peers, instructions to avoid filthy foreign expressions on the menu have gone out from Westminster's catering authorities to the restaurants in the Lords. Sample: "Can we try to use English descriptions where possible. Eg, Chateaubriant = steak. Pommes frites = chips." Further sample: "Can the steaks be itemised in ounces as well as grams [sic]. Many peers cannot visualise grams [more sic]." Presumably the old farts pay in guineas, and prefer to sit a rod, pole or perch away from new Labour peers in case they dribble jus all down their fronts.

The Socialist Alliance is putting up 92 candidates at the election, mostly against new Labour. The lefties hope thereby to qualify for a parliamentary election broadcast. But there is one mysterious omission. There will be no challenger to Peter Mandelson. The comrades are giving Arthur Scargill a clear run in Hartlepool. "Which is more than he is giving us elsewhere," muttered the old Trot Alliance chairman, Dave Nellist.

The new Labour buzzword is "holistic". Hilary Armthtwong, the local government minister, used it several times to describe her department's fresh approach to planning. Oxford Concise defines holism as the tendency in nature to form wholes that are more than the sum of their parts by ordered grouping. Is that clear? Not to the political hacks, one of whom ventured to ask the minister what she meant, only to be slapped down with: "Don't patronise me or your weaders!"

To Harrogate for the Conservatives' Spring Forum, where security was blissfully minimal. You could have smuggled in an entire arsenal, but the IRA was obviously busy elsewhere. It would also have had problems identifying the shadow cabinet, like the rest of us. At Michael Ancram's jolly soiree for the lobby, Archie Norman made clear his intention to quit politics if the Hague revolution fails. Jo-Anne Nadler, Hague's biographer, told me she is close to a deal on a new book about the Tory leadership. "More satirical, this time," she breathed exquisitely.

There was little enthusiasm for Michael Portillo, whose halting delivery marked him down as a past possible leader. But he got a respectable, seated ovation, despite the slick-chic hairstyle and caring spectacles.

Joke in Annie's Bar: Gordon's five economic tests have been replaced by one - the pregnancy test for his wife Sarah.

Paul Routledge is the chief political commentator for the Mirror

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