Dear Uncle Hunt, as you are so wise, can you tell us why Beckham has not been playing so well recently? - A F, Manchester

This has been puzzling all the agony columns. Most have suggested that it's either his social life or his commercial life catching up with him. Only partly true. Brooklyn is two this month, so they are keen to have another soon. That's why Becks is so knackered.

I was taken to my first English football match last Saturday by my boyfriend, sorry, husband, keep forgetting. It was Tottingham v Leeds. Every time one of the Leeds players - a thin, pasty, rather deprived-looking guy - got the ball, the home crowd started shouting: "Going down, going down." Was there a sexual connotation I missed? If so, I could use it in my next video.

- Madonna, Notting Hill

No English football crowd would ever be so rude as to make remarks about the sexual life of any player or referee. "Going down" in football normally refers to being demoted to a lower division, but in this case it was a legal term. The player in question was Lee Bowyer and it concerns a court case in which he might be . . . oh, sorry, the lawyers have taken out the rest of this answer. Next question, please.

As a long-term Arsenal supporter, for well over 40 minutes now, I am most upset that we are going to move from Highbury. Architecturally and socially, it is an important building which should be preserved at all costs. - Lord B, Hampstead

Sorry, Melv, but Arsenal need more space for some smoked-salmon bagel stalls. The main stand is a listed building, so could not be extended. The other alternative was to lower the pitch. This was tried, but they hit the Piccadilly Line. They are now going to attempt this solution at Wembley. Ken Bates is at present digging his own tunnel.

I was surprised to see that the list of the top 100 best ever Manchester United players was headed by Cantona. Surely George Best, Bobby Charlton and that Scottish one, forgotten his name, were much better than some frog who was here for only half an hour. - D L, Manchester

Good try, Denis. But you mucked it up by moving to Man City. The point about Cantona was that, like John Lennon and Princess Diana, he died at his height and immediately became an icon. OK, so Cantona didn't die. But he did the next thing to achieve immortality. He packed it in at his peak. And didn't join Man City.

I hear that Crystal Palace fans can claim refunds on their tickets after their team's poor performance against Barnsley. This is clearly not prudent and will never catch on.

- G Brown, East Fife supporter, Downing Street

Not quite so. Spurs are about to do it. Refunds will be backdated to 1961, the last time Spurs won the league. Fans should be at White Hart Lane this Sunday with their own barrow, where Sir Alan Sugar, as his retiring present, will hand over the money.

Why did Sven Goran Eriksson pick 31 players for his first squad? Surely that's no way to run a team? - Michael Knighton,

in hiding, somewhere in space

He would have liked more, but they were all the English-born players who could kick straight. As it was a friendly, with unlimited use of subs, he was hoping to use all 31, bringing on a new player every four and a half minutes, but it didn't quite work out.

I see from your photo, Hunt, that you have shaved off your moustache. What happened to it? - D B, Manchester

I gave it to Emerson Thome of Sunderland. Watch him carefully and you'll spot it. A lot of people were after it. One careful owner, 25 years on the clock. It wouldn't have suited you anyway, David. It was a macho tash.

As a Welshman now living in Europe, I had been led to believe that England had joined the Common Market and gone decimal. While watching television I have heard an English commentator say, "Sheringham has lost a yard of pace", "Henry's shot was one foot wide of the post" and "Beckham's free kick was only inches over the top". This is clearly illegal. On my return to Brussels, I intend to start a prosecution under the Maastricht agreement, clause 34, paragraph 14. - N K, Brussels

Piss off, you Welsh windbag.

Why does Trevor Francis persist in saying Noocastle?

- Nancy Mitford, deceased, Paris

I don't noo. But having been so jolly unlucky in the Worthington Cup, he can say what he likes.

You never mention Burnley in your column, Hunt, which just shows you are a bog-standard football columnist. - A C, NW3

Better than being an ex-Forum columnist, Alastair.

I noticed when someone called Thierry Henry scored a goal for Arsenal last Sunday, he had on his T-shirt "Jerome - C'est pour toi". Do you think he's a bloody foreigner?

- P Philip, Buck House

Yes, and he certainly regrets it, after getting stuffed 6-1.

One of my sons supports Man Utd, another Liverpool, while I support Noocastle. My problem is this: what team should I encourage our new baby to support? - T B, Downing Street

The Dallas Cowboys, naturally, if he wants to get on in the world, make friends and keep in with people, like his dad . . .