No 3668 Set by John O'Byrne

An obituary of an imaginary person that would get into the obit section.

Report by Ms de Meaner

£20 to the winners. Hon menshes to Paul Kocak for Sandra Solipsist (whose poems were entitled "Me", "Myself" and "I"); Barbara Daniels for Francis A Sisi (ran a flea rescue centre and wrote Why Are Slugs Sluggish?); G M Davis for Kevin Chinoweth (the original Angry Young Man: "Call this anger!"); and Adrian Fry for Randolph Blaze (the mathematician who made a pact with the Devil). The vouchers go to Ian Birchall.

Friedrich Mendel, age 93, biologist and controversial great-grandnephew of naturalist Abbot Gregor Mendel, died at home in his sleep yesterday. Great-grandson of the abbot's younger brother Adrian, Mendel is best known for his claim to be the first person to breed domestic cats. In 1940, working in Zurich, he mated a male ocelot and a female kodkod, resulting in an animal remarkably like a domestic cat. Mendel claimed that all domestic cats born after 1940 were descended from this pair. His firm belief was pressed by numerous lawsuits, alleging that claims to

have bred house cats over the centuries were an elaborate hoax, designed to cheat him of his scientific due. The Mendel family was divided in sympathies to his claims. Descendants of Adrian supported his pursuits, while descendants of the abbot's brothers Jakab and Tomaj refused to acknowledge family relationship. Fried-rich Mendel's one success was convincing the US Office of Alien Property in 1944 to give him the US assets of the Deutsche Verbindung der Katze Fanciers. Many at the time expressed the view that the US action was political and did not truly acknowledge Mendel's claims. A bachelor, his only companions were 267 cats descended from the original 1940 pair. Friedrich Mendel will be buried Friday near his great-granduncle in the graveyard of the Augustinian convent, Brno.

Bruce W Alter

Sir Isaac Aristotle Galileo Smith was born to ambitious parents, but did not at first live up to their expectations. He was on the point of being excluded from his comprehensive, where he languished at the bottom of class 3b, when his parents transferred him to Blairington Specialist School. The transformation was immediate. Within ten minutes, he had reached A-level standard. After an hour, he had disproved two laws of thermodynamics and relativity theory; and inside a week, he was chair of Newtonian physics at Trinity College, Cambridge. There he discovered the origin of the universe, while watching a state school pupil flicking a Malteser across the lecture theatre. He harnessed and magnified exponentially the force of the earth's magnetic field, creating enough concentrated kinetic energy to propel a small projectile at twice the speed of light into a time warp. Spurning lucrative offers from the US and Iraqi military, Debbie Daniels and Mrs Jeremy Beadle, he proceeded instead to take Cambridge United to the top of the Premier League with a series of unstoppable free kicks and a run of 200 successive victories. His book This Is How God Did It was tragically left unfinished when he accidentally launched himself into orbit, together with his laptop, having failed to back up the crucial files due to the incompatibility of his Apple Mac.

David Silverman

Much of Xarg's life is surrounded in secrecy. However, history will remember him as the first extraterrestrial to make contact with our planet. That he chose Uxbridge as his landing site confirmed for many commentators his charming and quite other-worldly eccentricity. Although he was speedily transferred to the US, he never forgot the kindnesses of the people of Uxbridge, and rewarded them with annual transmission of his favourite cosmic rays in the darkest days of January. His long period of service for the US government, though classified, was said to be outstanding in terms of its remarkable commitment and dedication. This earned him permanent citizenship. "Only of him," quipped a government spokesman, "could it be truly said that he was the first alien to receive a green card." He spent 33 happy years in New Mexico until his tragic death from a particularly bad bout of hay fever. He was 253.

Hamish Wilson

Lord *** of Hartlepool, who died yesterday, cleared his name so often that the original letters were rubbed away. *** entered government, but resigned over accusations about a home loan. He returned as Northern Ireland Secretary, resigning after allegations about a passport application. In 2002, he became Foreign Secretary, but resigned after claims (vigorously denied) about arms dealing. Three months later, he was appointed Chancellor, but resigned when the press alleged insider dealing - something he stoutly denied. Under the Widdecombe government, he joined the shadow cabinet, but resigned, protesting innocence following a "cash for questions" scandal. Gordon Brown made him Home Secretary, but he resigned after claims - hotly denied - of involvement in an illegal immigration racket. When Brown died of anorexia, *** became PM - stepping down after the disclosure that he had borrowed money from Mohammed Al-Fayed to bid for Buckingham Palace. He became a European commissioner just before the Commission itself was removed following a corruption scandal. He went on to the Lords, but was stripped of his peerage after the publication of a letter (he insisted it was forged) showing that he had been a KGB agent since 1976. He was re-enobled eight months later.

Ian Birchall

No 3671 Set by George Cowley

John Redwood wrote (NS, 19 February): "Some of the most liberal people I know are also the most intolerant." Could we have an intolerant liberal rant? Max 200 words and in by 15 March.

E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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