In Tony Hancock's classic The Blood Donor, the Scottish doctor with the posh accent languidly tells our hero: "We're not all Rob Roys, you know." Now Scots are trying to explain that they are not all ranting, sectarian bigots.
The outside world may take some convincing after the latest Scottish political debacle, which involved the Irish prime minister, Bertie Ahern, and a hitherto little-known Lanarkshire Labour MP called Frank Roy.
Roy's only previous mark on political history was to get himself censured for organising a betting coup during the election of the House of Commons Speaker. Now he has managed, more or less single-handedly, to cause a diplomatic incident between Scotland and Eire and to reopen ancient sectarian wounds, leading to his resignation as PPS to the Scottish Secretary, Helen Liddell.
The unlikely twin causes were the Old Firm game, the ferociously fought football match between Celtic and Rangers, and a memorial cross at Carfin Grotto, a Catholic shrine in Roy's constituency. Ahern, an avid Celtic fan, was to attend the first and move on to unveil the second.
The cross commemorates the end of An Garta Mor, the great potato famine of 1845-51, and the Irish immigrants who fled to Scotland. It bears the inscription: "This memorial was unveiled by An Taoiseach Bertie Ahern on 11 February, 2001." Only it wasn't.
With a week to go, Roy - himself a Catholic - faxed the Irish consul-general in Edinburgh to warn that the Taoiseach's attendance at the football match, followed by the Catholic ceremonial, was "totally insensitive". In interviews, he argued that, if Celtic won, it would be seen by Rangers supporters as triumphalism: if they lost, it would be taken as a gesture of defiance. In either case, Ahern's visit would incite violence.
Public opinion was appalled at the implication that Scotland is still so bedevilled by bigotry that the safety of a visiting head of government could not be guaranteed. The Glasgow MP George Galloway said it made Scotland "look like Mississippi". Strathclyde Police saw no threat, nor did Jack Ramsay, the grand secretary of the Grand Orange Lodge of Scotland, who pointed out that the famine had also claimed Protestant victims.
Roy's letter to the Irish authorities managed to implicate two cabinet ministers by boasting that, as well as now being Liddell's PPS, he had also been PPS to her predecessor, John Reid, now the Northern Ireland Secretary. Roy then began a slanging match with the Dublin government, accusing its Edinburgh consul, Dan Mulhall, of leaking his letter. Dropping all diplomatic niceties, Ahern's spokesman replied that the suggestion was "a grave insult" and described Roy's behaviour as "juvenile, petty and dangerous".
So Roy wrecked two years of inter- governmental bridge-building. The Edinburgh consulate was established in recognition of the post-devolution importance of direct links between Eire and Scotland. The Taoiseach was the only foreign leader to attend the opening of the Scottish Parliament, and he was also at Donald Dewar's funeral. In this light, it is surprising that both Reid and Jack McConnell, the Scottish Minister for Education who is also responsible for "external affairs", failed to distance themselves from Roy's actions. So, too, did his fellow ministers and the Scottish Labour leadership.
Roy appears to have become a victim of his own outdated Catholic ghetto mentality, as did the composer James MacMillan 18 months ago, when he claimed that anti-Catholicism was endemic and Scotland "a Northern Ireland without the guns and bullets".
Scotland has come a long way since the shameful 1871 census report, which warned: "It is painful to contemplate what may be the ultimate effect of this Irish immigration on the morals and habits of the people and on the future prospects of the country."
Studies have shown that working-class children from Catholic schools enjoy a better chance of going to university than non-denominational pupils, and that the once common Catholic handicap in getting white-collar jobs in certain areas (three generations ago, it was a fact of life that no Catholic could get a job in a Scottish bank) is now non-existent. The Catholics who organised the memorial are leading businessmen and professionals; they include a multimillionaire.
No one denies there are still bigots, but those Celtic supporters who taunt "Bluenoses" and Rangers fans who chant against "Fenians" are generally regarded as a moronic minority. In the Carfin Vaults, the nearest pub to the grotto, Rangers and Celtic supporters sat side by side to watch the televised game.
Much to his annoyance, Ahern did not get to see Celtic beat Rangers and thus continue their march to the Scottish Premier League championship. But when it comes to the ham-fisted handling of delicate issues, Scotland's politicians are in a league of their own.
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