No 3665 Set by John Crick
Mission statements for hated organisations.
Report by Ms de Meaner
Superb. Hon menshes to David Silverman and Geoff Thurman. The winners get £20; the vouchers go to D A Prince.
The Spanish Inquisition is the world's leading provider of probing of heresies, using cutting-edge technologies and white-hot methodology to identify imperfections in belief. Backed by the Highest Authority, we are committed to an ongoing programme of soul-searching examination at every level, and ensuring consistency in the quality of response. We utilise top-level networks for maximum speed. Our interviewing techniques deliver 100 per cent results, and our brand delivers 24-hour services worldwide for the revelation of heretical tendencies. Our Inquisitors lead their teams into complex grilling operations and are fully resourced to expose any ideological weaknesses. We have the expertise to manage resultant auto-da-fes, from kindling and ignition to combustion and full conflagration.
The Spanish Inquisition. Investigating people. We believe. We're right.
D A Prince
The Countryside Alliance is the leading campaign organisation promoting rural Britain and we represent the broad church of the rural community.
Our mission is to save the countryside. That means saving landscapes, saving jobs, saving businesses, saving values, saving a way of life. It means a vision for sustainable rural management, a rural economy that treats animals with respect, encourages heritage, and the sensible development of recreational facilities for all.
Our strength is that we are a united countryside - working farmers, landowners, land agents, sportspeople and country dwellers. With our dignity, passion and justified anger, we are unbeatable.
Our campaign is not just about farm subsidies and hunting. It is about freedom, the freedom of people to choose how to live their lives. It is about tolerance of minorities and decent incomes for decent folk.
We are pig sick of ignorant townspeople interfering with our lives, telling us what to do, of weirdos with beards insulting us and abusing us. Like Christian soldiers marching as to war, we shall not rest till we have built Jerusalem in our green and pleasant land of hope and glory.
Gordon Gwilliams
Cosa Nostra is a family concern dedicated to family values: everything we do is pledged to add value to the family. With this as our motivation, we shall always be glad to offer the strong arm of protection to any business vulnerable to destructive and intimidating acts of violence. We are resolute in our determination to meet the challenge of converting corruption and exploitation into worthwhile enterprises with legitimate proceeds. Wherever business is dirty, we will clean up.
These pledges are not lightly made: any undertaking of ours is set in concrete.
Cosa Nostra - working with people who know what's good for them.
W J Webster
The CIA is an independent agency, accountable to the American people through the ------ ---- ------- and the liaison committee comprising ---- -- --- ------ -- of the --------. Its mission is to support the President, the National Security Council, and all officials who execute US national security policy by:
- Conducting -------- activities and other ------- ---------- functions related to foreign intelligence and national security, as directed by the RDGKTWQ*.
- Striving to promote, on a day-to-day basis, dedicated, professional, responsible and respectful eavesdropping throughout every corner of the globe.
To accomplish this, the CIA engages in covert --------, -----, and deployment of high-leverage technology, such as (classified). It works closely with other organisations in the Intelligence Community to ensure that the consumer receives the best intelligence that spying can buy.
As changing global realities have reordered the national security agenda, the CIA has met these changes by:
- Creating special, multidisciplinary knockingshops** to address high-priority issues such as anti-Americanism, revolting students, cyber-terrorism, etc.
- Forging stronger relationships between ( ), contributing to the effectiveness of the overall ( ), and taking an active part in ( ).
The CIA aims to foster a climate of paranoia and fear among the many enemies of the world's greatest open democracy.
* Scrambled/** Encrypted anagram
John O'Byrne
Our aim is to ensure your safety and security at all times; to provide an insurance against wanton vandalism and violence that otherwise might befall you. In addition to this service, we will ensure that you are not left in the vulnerable position of having to look after cash, which could cause embarrassment to you or yours.
We will endeavour to provide security and safety for those who are forced by reason of financial circumstances to put themselves in danger, such as on street corners or in dark alleys, in pursuit of their trade or profession.We will also do our utmost to ease the frustrations and irritations of dealing with officialdom by cutting through red tape and bureaucracy. Any official who mistakenly tries to delay you can be moved on by the organisation.
The Mafia exists for you. Your needs are our bread and butter. We will provide the knives.
Katie Mallett
No 3668 Set by John O'Byrne
Anthony Howard (22 January) wrote that the deciding factor on whether to run an obit was whether the life had "an unconventional or out-of-the-ordinary flavour about it". We want just such an obituary of an imaginary, larger-than-death character. Max 200 words by 22 February.
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
