No 3662 Set by George Cowley
An NS leader remarked on "the departure from reality that marks all politicians who have been in office for a year or two". We asked for a speech from a politician who has been in office a year or two.
Report by Ms de Meaner
A few of you made the mistake of picking targets such as Ann Widdecombe and George Dubbya, who proved rather hard to upstage. The winners picked Gus Macdonald, David Blunkett, Tony Blair and John Prescott. I simply loved them all to bits. An hon mensh to John O'Byrne (Tony Blair) for his championing of the Dome: "Some 68 tons of burgers and approximately five million litres of soft drinks consumed; 81 miles of tourist videotape used; eight million colour photos taken. Is that not the parameters of success?" £20 to the winners; the vouchers go to Katie Mallett.
I have been your new Labour Minister for Transport for 18 months; yesterday I decided to show my commitment to our railways and the travelling proletariat by journeying from Paddington to Swan-sea, a town somewhere in Wales. The critics are misled about rail communications; the marble concourse was full of excited passengers content to linger many hours in this remodelled station, marvelling at the modern facilities wedded so harmoniously and symbolically to Brunel's architecture. Some, sleeping peacefully on benches, had been there several days, all physical requirements being provided by the proliferating baguette bars; their spiritual needs catered for by falling prostrate before the War Memorial on Platform One. Many bought Paddington Bear souvenirs with which to remember their holiday. I, too, shared their reluctance to leave London and have decided to close down this rail link and create a nationalised Millennium Experience Zone on the station to replace our Great Dome. In the western corner will be a virtual reality Welsh reconstruction with hologram sheep flocks and an interactive, black, shiny wall representing a coal face. To those who say this will render Wales redundant, I retort: "It is better to wait hopefully than to arrive."
Barbara Daniels
You can't spend as long talking about them as I have without coming to believe that key skills are key to the future skillage of our children. Children may come and go, but accurate measurement and recording of their achievements against benchmarked targets will form the basis of a set of figures that is, in real terms, the net product of our education system. I believe that the most and least able of our children are capable of equal achievement, even if the least able are capable of less. And while education may end at 16, lifelong learning can go on for ever, providing a framework in which all of us can contribute to education statistics long after forgetting everything we learnt in school. I look forward to a time when learning is an ongoing process at the end of which everyone knows everything, irrespective of ability. Some people say it's an impossible target, but I maintain that only by aiming for the impossible can we hope to miss and hit the almost impossible. Many, both inside the government and in the real world, support me in this, and it seems to me that only teachers stand between us and omnipotence.
Adrian Fry
I recently found myself exchanging memories of space travel with one of the Apollo 15 astronauts. He recalled "looking down from the moon at a fragile blue ball suspended in space, the only colour in the universe, and the only place where the human species can survive". "You mean Argonon, home planet of the evil dictator Zarg?" I enquired. "No, Tony," he replied. "Earth." And do you know, in a very real sense he was right. We ex-astronauts are keenly aware of the human race's responsibility for the care of our globe. Old astronauts, keenly aware, new Labour. Take the house sparrow, once more cockney than the Cockneys, but now a rarity in London. This saddens an East End boy like me. It's time for action. The fight to save the environment begins here. New Labour, new sparrows, my old china. I say to you, the good people of the CBI, that as soon as five key criteria are met, we will hold a referendum on the banning of sparrow-hunting. Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner that I love London so, but the planet Earth is blue and there is something we can do. Make it so.
R Ewing
I have been asked to tell you what is going on with the railways. Well, obviously the railways are going on. There is no doubt that the system is being brought up to the exacting standards of the 21st century. Indeed, our railways will be the envy of the world. Superbly maintained tracks will bear state-of-the-art rolling stock, finished to the highest degree of opulence to vie with the luxury of the Orient Express and the elegance of the great liners with all their richness.
Passengers will have their trunks lifted on board by porters in impeccable uniforms with gleaming brass buttons, and then will take their seats in plush carriages subtly lit for comfort before ordering dinner in the well-appointed restaurant cars. Sleeper trains will run on every route, enabling businessmen to arrive at their destinations refreshed and pristine, their suits pressed and their shoes polished overnight by a steward who will wake them for a gourmet breakfast before they set foot again on terra firma.
Quality is what counts.
Katie Mallett
No 3665 Set by John Crick
Mission statements are all the rage these days. Let's have one for an unpopular organisation: the CIA, Virgin Trains, the Inquisition, the mafia, perhaps? Max 200 words and in by 1 February.
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
