No 3660 Set by John Crick

"Lost" letters that make you see the senders/history in a different light.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Wonderful. Hon menshes to Will Bellenger, J Seery, Peter Lyon and R J Pickles. £20 to the winners; the vouchers are shared between David Silverman and R Ewing. Next week: the annual results.

Good Sir Francis, Most graciously didst thou sendeth news of thy voyage to the edge of the world and graciously shall I answer thee. Thy gift from the shores of Africa is most welcome. In sooth he is a friend, faithful and just to me. I have built him a writing machine and marry, he amuseth himself for many hours withal.

Yesterday he wrote "Qwerty Uiop - a Tragedie in %& Acts". Though I would not speak ill of him, would that he had not killed off the title character in Act III, saying "Ert tyu Brewty". Now he writeth "Asd yuio lihjk ert - a Comedie". With much practice, a spellcheck and a good many bananas, the which hath Good Sir Walter most nobly brought, he will doubtless improve his dramatic skill.

Thou sayest the King of Spain's fleet will once more towards these shores. I am building thee a ship which saileth full many a fathom beneath the waves, by a power created from the centre of the smallest part of nature, yet which letteth slip arrows more powerful even than did the great bows at Honfleur. Haply thou wilt try my invention, good Sir Francis.

Your friend, William.

David Silverman

Mr Rabindranath Vallabhbhai, Bengal Telephone Corporation, Calcutta.

Sir, Once again I find myself writing to you and your contamination of a company in the seemingly pointless hope of having my telephone line installed.

As I have stated in many previous letters, I was promised a working connection by the time of the festival of Raksha Badhan. Well, Onam has long since passed and we are now nearing Diwali, and still nothing.

I assume from the arrival of a placatory parcel of fruit that someone over there can actually read. (I could only manage one. The rest of the wizened comestibles were fed to the pigs.) I am asking you this one final time to shift your lazy, feckless low-caste behind into gear and get my bloody telephone working, or I will be forced to come down there in person and shove my sweaty loincloth down your insignificant little throat until you beg for mercy or gag to death. And don't think I won't - just ask Mr Sarabhai from the water company.

Yours, M K Gandhi.

R Ewing

Dear co-workers, Just to let you know we arrived safely. The hotel was fully booked, but we managed to find a lovely B&B. Guess what! A couple staying here had a happy event yesterday. The baby is a real angel. He'll have multitudes of admirers when he grows up, no doubt. His parents are so poor they had to make his bed in a feeding trough. I gave them some gold coins, just to help out. We also gave a little frankincense and myrrh. They are into that kind of thing, being somewhat New Age. I got the impression (don't take this as gospel) that there is some doubt over who the actual father is. I'm not sure what to believe. Anyway, tonight we are going to wet the baby's head at The Star, a pub just up the road. We saw the sign on our way here, so should have no trouble finding it. Yes, I know this is supposed to be a business trip, for Heaven's sake, but I'm sure we can concoct a believable story for His Majesty the boss.

Faithfully, A Wiseman.

Peter Reeve

Dear Professor, At last! Time to return to thesis: enclose draft for Part 1.

Title: I accept your advice: delete "apocrypha", insert "pseudepigrapha".

Chap 1: As suggested, have concentrated on divergences between Qumran and Nag Hammadi versions.

Chap 2: Hebrew & Aramaic texts even more fascinating than expected: have I dwelt too much on Enoch and Baruch? Am ignoring Mishradic commentaries as beyond scope of title.

Chaps 3 - 5: The preservation of the texts within the Christian context and problems of later interpolations affecting interpretation of growth of Judaism and origins of Christianity: have dealt with major Greek & Latin texts, hope to show something on Syriac soon. Have found Hochheimer for Coptic: who else?

Chap 6: A "very special friend" has persuaded Dr Al-Fawzi to let me see the new finds at ad-Dukkaan el-Kubra. First indications are that the Temple Scroll can only be read as pseudepigraphical.

Author: Big problem: HMQ says no precedent for "real" PhDs in family, insists Garter K of A agrees use of pen-name - but I just can't face ratpack if he refuses! (Wills: "Does 'Doctor' come before or after 'Princess of W' ?"!!)

Yours (for the time being), "D Wales".

Vincent McLoughlin

dear sir, thank you for the corrected transcrypt of my speach, it went down quite well with blair and blunket, of course predictably proffesor rag didn't like it he made several rude and satyrical comment's about it in the time's educational suplement but their you are in this job you have to take the ruff with the smooth, i am hoping you can acheive another miracel with the enclosed artical, it should apear in the daily telegraph on monday, please feel free to rerite it as well as altering the spelling and grammer as usual, the thing is to empfasise the nead for hi standard's in the basic's and getting rid of useless teacher's, if it all go's to plan i mite be asked to right for them as a regular colonist, keep your fingers crossed, as ever your's sincerely cris woodhead.

Watson Weeks

No 3663 Set by Margaret Rogers

We want a hymn to the January sales ("Oh, come all ye punters . . . down to Oxford Street" perhaps?) by 18 January.

E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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