Christmas shopping should begin and end with a drink and, in between, you should be buying drink in a good wine merchant. I cannot think of a better present than an appropriate supply of alcohol. But because "a bottle", a dismal bow of shiny ribbon screwing the wrapping-paper up around its neck, is the desperate alternative to bubble bath and chocolates, it is necessary to at least attempt to give yourself an edge of originality. You don't want to give someone the alcoholic equivalent of a small pot-plant.
This is easily avoided by buying something slightly oddball. I don't mean something slightly disgusting such as sake or creme de menthe. But think laterally. A small phial of dessert wine, glowing like molten hay, would sit happily alongside gifts of frankincense and myrrh. It will please sweet-toothed grannies and be seized on with delight by anyone interested in wine. Dessert wines can be pricey, but they very often come in half-bottles, which softens the blow. Delve beyond the usual Muscat de Beaumes de Venise (not that there's anything wrong with that; just that it's a boring choice) and seek out the rieslings from Germany and Australia. Or go for a black that tastes of black treacle and is muscat sticky and dark as sin.
In a moment of sublime inspiration, my grandma once gave me a half-bottle of white port. Lightly chilled, it makes a wonderful aperitif on its own. Or, when the daily dose of G&T finally becomes too much (as if), the presentee can vary it with white port and tonic which tastes especially good when taken with salted cashew nuts.
A gleaming cocktail shaker is always much admired (though, it must be said, rarely used) and certainly one of those things that are just nice to have. The best one I ever saw came from Woolworths. Ideally, this present would be backed up with an entire cocktail cabinet of drinks. A recipe book is probably a more sensible alternative. There are dozens in the shops. I own half of them and can particularly recommend the Harry's Bar version, which is comprehensive and ungimmicky. Very sneaky people will make sure that this present goes to a teenager who is guaranteed to spend the entire Christmas period dying to use it and playing barman to everyone else, whatever the time of day or night.
Gin freaks might enjoy a juniper bush, along with a small bottle of sloe gin (to ring the changes) and a sack of lemons. Then again, they might just be grateful for more supplies. Try not to be too cheapskate: no one appreciates the sort of raw alcohol that would alarm even a Polish peasant. Well. Not quite no one. Students will prefer volume to quality, and will drink it all with their friends on the first night of term, so try to provide them with tonic water, too: otherwise, they'll drink it neat and be very poorly afterwards.
A case of wine is a great luxury, but I have sent one ahead to my mother in lieu of helping her, in any way, to cook Christmas dinner. It contains all the things we'll drink on the day, and champagne for good measure. By all accounts, it caused a great stir when it arrived, in a way that a couple of clanking plastic bagfuls of booze dumped on the kitchen floor on Christmas Day simply wouldn't have.
I do wish someone would send me one.
The last thing to recommend is more of an idea. If someone is being an unbearable know-it-all about wine, then why not be really horrid and book them on an exam? What fun. The Wine and Spirit Education Trust is the recognised body for professionals in the trade. It runs courses out of its London office, but you can buy the basic course study booklet (which tells you everything you need to know to pass) for £16.99 plus p&p, and book someone on the exam for a further £30. More information can be found at www.wset.co.uk, or by calling 020 7236 3551.
