No 3654 Set by George Cowley
We asked for a weighty newspaper editorial, the more cliche-ridden the better.
Report by Ms de Meaner
With the best of intentions, I had meant this report to leave no cliches unturned, to simply ooze cliches, just to show, in no uncertain terms, how an expert would do it. But time waits for no man (or woman), and, rushed off my feet, I haven't had a moment to think what to write. A blessing in disguise, I suspect. Anyway, you've all been as good as gold this week: everyone has understood the rules, everyone can give themselves a pat on the back, everyone can have an hon mensh. £20 to the winners; the vouchers go to Bazza for his flooded playing-field - so topical.
If the government sees the clear blue water of a level playing field ahead, it should take a reality check, because once it has crossed the Rubicon and burned its boats, the die will be cast and second-guessing its options menu will be closing the stable door after the horse has bolted.
However, we don't wish to rain on Mr Blair's parade. He has weathered a number of storms with flying colours, and if he has made a dog's breakfast of some issues, on others he has, often after agonising reappraisals, come up smelling of roses. The conventional wisdom says he will never be a bull in a china shop; yet nothing ventured, nothing gained, and perhaps he should be more self-starting.
All things considered, new Labour has firmed up its raft of policy initiatives without breaking the mould or putting the cat among the chickens, delivering on much of its standards agenda while not putting the wind up Middle England. For some, there's too much fudge and mudge; for others, Blair is somewhere to the right of Attila the Hun. Taking the long view, we can draw a line under the delivery of a modern, squeaky-clean, empowerment ballpark.
Basil Ransome-Davies
When we get right down to basics with the beef crisis, we had better not mince our words. The health service has gone to the dogs, and got us into what we can only call another fine mess. The public is right to have a bone to pick with the government, too, which leapt out of the frying pan into the fire the moment the balloon went up with all hands on deck. There is an old saying which begins "Too many cooks" which fits the bill. Only last week, a rogues' gallery of jobsworths were named and shamed in their pomp and circumstance, and by the long arm of the law, too. Wriggle as they may until the cows come home to roost, it was a very sorry day in the long and distinguished history of our sceptred isle, which we will live to regret. They armed themselves to the teeth with a lot of fine words. They will not eat these words in two shakes of a lamb's tail, and people as innocent as the day they were born will go down the pan. It is no laughing matter, and no mistake, when the fat cats cannot cut the mustard.
Will Bellenger
Whither the euro? The recent decline in its value bodes ill for the European Community. But truth is relative. No single currency is perfect. What goes around comes around: no pain, no gain. Never mind that sterling is the currency of choice. Never mind that the Treasury is experiencing a bonanza. Never mind the record levels of inward investment. There will come a day when British industry will shout stop. Every rose has its thorn. There is no doubt that Mr Blair is skating on thin ice by deciding to rule out a referendum before May 2022. This must be resisted. As John Maynard Keynes once said: "In the long term we are all dead." The more pressing question for the Chancellor is what to do with the pot of gold. He must not close his options. It will get better before it gets worse; there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Tomorrow is another day. We can't change the past. Behind the clouds, the sun is shining. If nothing else, time will tell. Carpe euro diem.
John O'Byrne
We British are at our best when our backs are to the wall and the game is played for the highest stakes, so the government must not flinch. It must bear in mind that nothing worthwhile ever came easily. It must turn a deaf ear to the siren voices of those nervous Nellies, dismal Jimmies and prophets of doom who will say: "Look before you leap." It must strike while the iron is hot, because there is no time like the present. Once-in-a-lifetime opportunities never come again. It must brace itself for the criticisms that will rain down upon it like cats and dogs: accusations that it lives in cloud-cuckoo-land, that it is round the bend, and that it has come off the rails, will fall upon it like leaves in autumn. It must realise that it will pass through the valley of death, but that it is a long road which has no turning and, if it keeps its nerve, it will emerge into the light at the end of the tunnel, bloodied but unbowed, to stand on the broad, sunlit uplands of an education system where standards of English teaching, including spelling, composition and comprehension, have been improved beyond all recognition. This at least cannot be denied, even by the government's sternest critics: that "time alone will tell".
J Seery
No 3657 Set by John Crick
"We believe that pork pies are victims of class prejudice" (Tesco spokesperson). We want you to send in recipes or menus that take food currently damned by such prejudice (Scotch eggs, pineapple and cheese on sticks, white-bread sandwiches with chocolate spread, for example), and talk them up, give them a bit of tone. Sausage and mash and jam roly-poly doesn't count - we all know about the love upper-class men have for the typical school dinner. Max 200 words and in by 30 November.
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
