Competition - Win a bottle of champagne

No 3653 Set by Margaret Rogers

We asked for the beliefs and practices of world religions done in under 100 words.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Oh the range of interpretations of "under 100 words". Some sent in just one reasonable-sized entry; others had four or five goes, all at the longest length allowed; still others sent in up to ten religions, the whole lot summed up in under 100 words. And some sent in poetry. Hon menshes to Gordon Gwilliams and David Silverman. I have awarded £15 each to the winners. The vouchers go to Alanna Blake.

Christianity

Creation. (Fabrication?) Insubordination. Humiliation. Inundation. Peregrination. Inebriation. Migration. Divination (reiteration). Prefiguration. Foundation. Annunciation. Adoration. Dissemination. Confrontation. Incarceration. Condemnation. Flagellation. Expiration. Transfiguration. Glorification. Veneration. Congregation. Celebration. (Transubstantiation?) Oblation. Meditation. Vocation. (Ordination?) Salvation/damnation. Revelation.

Jainism

Save the gnat, mosquito, wasp, horse-fly, rat, cockroach, scorpion, spider, snake, midge, flea, mite, slug, louse, ant, hornet, silverfish, beetle, nit, etc.

D A Prince

Atheism

Since it is impossible to prove the non-existence of God, atheism is a faith. Their faith requires them to deny faith at all times, deriding all untenable beliefs bar their own. They are subdivided into humanists, who pretend that niceness is possible in a Godless universe, and hedonists, who are too drunk to argue the contrary.

Adrian Fry

Catholicism One God in Judgement, one Son; fun allowed (but confess); pray in special place; lots of candles.

Protestantism Ditto, but fewer candles; fun allowed (but feel guilty).

Calvinism Ditto, but no candles, no fun, feel guilty anyway.

Anglicanism Up to you, really (candles optional).

Islam One God, one Prophet; pray any place.

Judaism One God, lots of Prophets; invented guilt; seven candles.

Paganism Lots of gods/fun; pray in wooded place; black candles.

Hinduism Lots of gods/fun; but know your place; joss sticks.

Buddhism "God"? "Fun"? "Place"?

Taoism More Luck than Judgement.

New religions More Money than Sense.

Keith Mason

Default religion in England and parts of the former empire. Entered automatically in questionnaires and forms (eg, on admission to hospital, prison, etc) where the relevant section has been left blank or the question causes puzzlement. The main purpose is to provide venues for marriages, naming ceremonies and funerals. Two such events from the life of its spiritual leader are celebrated annually: Christmas (his birthday) and Easter (when he died). As he apparently did not marry, there is no relevant third holy day in this calendar.

An interesting religion, comforting in these anti-book times as it considers holy scripture a more reliable guru than a living human being. Five is the important Sikh number and K the special letter. The five symbols are Kesh, Kirpan, Katcha, Kanga and Kara. It is significant, but mysterious, that three of these translate as "hair", "comb" and "underwear".

Jehovah's Witnesses

These concerned people bring religion to you in your own home. They travel in pairs, formally dressed and carrying little briefcases, and are prepared to spend many hours ensuring that you understand their creed. Like politicians, they make firm promises - eg, about the Second Coming or about the Heavenly Kingdom coming to pass on Earth. When these are not fulfilled on specific dates, they claim to have been misreported or misunderstood, or they put forward a scapegoat to take the blame for the mistake.

Alanna Blake

Hinduism

Existence revolves around dharma,

The endeavour that determines caste,

Itself being a product of karma,

And reward for a virtuous past.

Buddhism

The world is empty of I,

Life spins a wheel of rebirth,

There are no gods in my sky,

Just cause and effect on Earth.

Connie Yapp

Protestantism You are one on one with God.

Catholicism You are one on one with the priest.

Buddhism You are One with The Oneness of All.

Hinduism You are one with a lot of gods.

Jainism You are 1 on a scale of 1 to 5.

Judaism You are the one in the yarmulke.

Scientology You are the one born every minute.

Islam You are the one with the AK47.

New Age You are wonderful.

Satanism Oooh, you are a one.

Basil Ransome-Davies

No 3656 Set by Casement and Ross

This is the Night Mail crossing the border,

Bringing the cheque and the postal order . . .

You know how it goes on. But how would Auden have written about the railways today? Yes, a few weeks after the petrol crisis protest songs, we have the railway crisis poems. But transport is so important. You may pick another poet who has written about trains to subvert if you like - but not one who has already written about railway chaos (eg, T Baker in 1830):

This fatal chance not only caused delay

But damped the joy that erst had crown'd the day.

Entries to be in by 23 November.

E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk