No 3647 Set by John O'Byrne
We asked for descriptions or rules of some new Olympic sports inspired by our elders and betters, eg, synchronised spinning (Alastair Campbell), the pentlagerthon (William Hague).
Report by Ms de Meaner
Superb, my darlings. Did I laugh or did I laugh? I just hate it when you're so good, because it makes the job so much harder. £15 to Will Bellenger and Sid Field; £12 to the rest. The vouchers go to Field.
Benntathlon The contestants must run up to the winning tape, come a victorious second by a narrow margin, find a vacant seat and sit in it until the race is run, perform one revolution and take part in the tea ceremony.
Haughey An old Irish game involving turning a crooked sixpence.
Mowling Coming first before dropping out of a balloon.
Modern Kentathlon Running on your own before disappearing completely from view.
Archery Disappearing from view before the modern Kentathlon.
Rowling Signing quickly, keeping your distance, and repeating the formula as quickly as possible.
Will Bellenger
The Long Bicycle Race (Norman Tebbit)
All competitors must have no visible means of financial support. They must hold a certificate of long-term unemployment, with a statutory minimum of 12 years' absence from any paid work. All competitors shall be expected to ride for a long way, not to say a great distance. The ultimate distance shall be decided on the whim of three wise men.
During the course of the race, competitors shall receive no support, sustenance or benefit from any agency; and they shall receive no sponsorship. Bicycles shall be of the sit-up-and-beg variety; a Sturmey Archer three-speed gear will be permissible. BMXs, Choppers, mountain bikes, tandems and unicycles will be banned. On the command "Get on yer bike!", competitors shall instantly mount and ride like hell.
The winner may receive a small reward.
Sid Field
Downhill Career (Tony Blair) Like bobsleigh events, but without snow. Breakneck descent over rocky course with pitfalls, sheer drops and blockades. Skids, crashes and loss of control will be monitored and recorded in poll of judges to determine fastest time.
Ducking the Shot (Lord Falconer) Held within a specially constructed protective "dome" to minimise risk to spectators. Each contestant is required to dodge potentially fatal shots from a 360o firing range while maintaining position and stature. (Unlikely to become a permanent event because of cost of constructing/ maintaining suitable contest area, and unwillingness of athletes to participate.)
D A Prince
Pre-election High Hurdles (Blair/Hague)
Obstacles to include:
. Embarrassing incident involving a blood relative
. A beer barrel containing more than 14 pints of Just William Best Bitter
. A barrel of crude oil
. Paparazzi at trackside
Race to be run over 100 metres (but Eurosceptics may opt for 110 yards or two chains). In the event of a dead heat, the result to be decided by the Kennedy/Steel method, a formula based on the proportion of hurdles which contestants have cleared in first position.
Hunt the Pump or The 50 Kilometre Walk (Gordon Brown)
. No mobile phones allowed
. No A to Z city-centre maps
. No false emergency services accreditation
. All engines to run on unleaded petrol
Derek Morgan
Moving the Goalposts (David Blunkett)
This popular field event is normally achieved after a Hostage to Fortune game. The defending team pull up, trim and restake the goalposts and nets, widening or narrowing openings as necessary. The attacking team then act as detectives, uncovering original goalposts, newly hung beams and substituted equipment. Points are awarded for successful subterfuge or exposure.
Driving a Coach and Horses
(World record-holder: Gordon Brown)
Edward Stourton, Jim Naughtie, Sue McGregor, John Humphrys et al stand at intervals around the track with hazardous questions at the ready. Competitors hurtle onward, attempting to use up the available time and reach the winning post by driving a coach and hoses through them.
Anne Du Croz
Tryathlon Object: to leak three different policy changes to test the reaction. Open to: lightweight ministers.
Hypetathlon Object: to announce the same funding seven different ways without anyone realising. Open to: middleweight ministers.
Doubledeckathlon Object: to announce new funding for public transport ten different ways without actually spending anything. Open to: heavyweight deputy prime ministers.
Keith Mason
Triple Jag (John Prescott) A car race in which competitors use at least three cars, changing from one to the other between circuits.
Humphrys Relay This differs from the conventional relay in that the runner receiving the baton does not have to wait for the bearer to arrive. He may intercept him anywhere and simply grab the baton.
Keith Norman
No 3650 Set by Gavin Ross
Protest songs to pass down to our grandchildren, marking the Great Petrol Tax Revolt ("We Shall Overspeed", "Where Has All the Petrol Gone?"). Entries to be in by 12 October.
E-mail: comp@ newstatesman.co.uk
