New game shows Survivor and Jailbreak promise final big-money winners. Richard Branson must convince the NLC that he can run the Lottery. William Hague . . .

I want to run a Lottery

Or issue Premium Bonds

To be a harry-pottery

Archwizard of the wands

No longer riding pillion

Upon the bike of fame

I want to scoop a million

And win the greatest game

Not virginal - victorious!

All opposition floored!

A licence to print glorious

Spondulicks by the hoard!

I'm desperate to top your list

To scale the prison walls

But I'm a Tory populist

With different sorts of balls

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