No 3642 Set by John Crick
Due to a newspaper staff shortage, back-page (ie, sports) reporters have to double up and write the front-page news stories.
Report by Ms de Meaner
Excellent. Hon menshes to Peter Lyon for his "Palace signing rumour" story and D A Prince for another piece on Massow's transfer - in this case, to "the Reds". Unfortunately, T Griffiths had already won with that story. £15 to the winners. The vouchers go to David Silverman.
An 18-year association with Tories took an amazing twist yesterday when Ivan Massow, 32, signed on for Labour! Millbank supporters claim this is a shattering blow for 14-pint Tory leader Will Hague.
Locked in talks
Ivan has been locked in face-to-face talks with Tory vice-chairman Norris for weeks, but the talks collapsed and news filtered through of Ivan's defection.
Close to tears
Gay Ivan was close to tears when he switched sides, Tory aides reveal. They admitted regret, but Ivan was never close to William, nor an adviser.
Stunning blow
Ivan's defection is a stunning blow to Conservatives, according to right-winger Telegraph. Ivan used the word William dreads when he said that clinging to the anti-gay section was "weakness".
A million
Former would-be Tory MP Ivan, educated at Brighton comprehensive, scored a million selling financial services and male modelling. He now claims Tories can no longer be trusted. I won't waste time on has-beens, he says. "I prefer a team with a heart. Tony Blair speaks of tolerance. That's real leadership."
T Griffiths
D-Street supremo Ali C yesterday lashed out at rumours that he is being transferred. "The balls are still in my court," he told a packed press conference.
"I'll still be drivelling at inside-left," he said. "Let's face it, I'm a frontman. I pop 'em into any open mouth."
Bounce
With glum Gordon and "Teeny" Blair, Millbank's managers, sidelined on holiday, Ali C looks in control. Tanned and sleek, he played up Dynamo Labour's prospects.
"We're match-fit," he boomed. "We're taking the game to Europe, and kicking them in hands down. The economy's bouncing back like a bungee jumper. And the reserves are good, too."
Surge
Last season Ali took the hump when Millbank supremos gave him marching orders. Now he's back out of the bootroom and into the boardroom.
And with the political bad boy banging the drum, Dynamo should surge. "The future's dead bright," announced Ali. "We'll hit health and education with twin rockets."
Signings
No more Saturday night fever, then, on the NHS, and no more Monday morning school runs. And there are rumours of new signings from Tory Central.
"The tide's running for us like a Mexican wave. Massow was just the start."
Will Bellenger
It's been a great week for Our Boys. They've shown their true quality and what they're worth. In three great qualifying contests, in Manchester, Portsmouth and London, they've come out on top each time.
True, there were some mishaps along the way. In Manchester, they turned out to be playing against the wrong opponents on the wrong pitch. But the referee ruled that, because their intentions were genuine, the result should stand. Down in Portsmouth, things got a bit lively. But, as David Beckham said recently: "You can't win without a killer instinct. Who you actually kill isn't important."
In the end, Our Boys came out on top, and the Evil Perverts got the thrashing they deserved. It'll be a surprise if they show their faces again after being named and shamed like this. More likely, they'll be looking for a free transfer to a different part of the country.
Meanwhile, Our Boys move on to higher things in the semi-finals. After the drubbing they gave the paedophiles, they should be hot favourites to win against the Asylum Seekers. After that, the stage is set for a legendary final against their historic rivals, the All Blacks.
Ian Birchall
Yesterday, Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon, known to her team-mates as "The Queen Mother", eased herself into the record books as she became the first member of the English Royal Family to reach 100 since records began. Her effortless century, reached in as many years, took her even further ahead of her nearest rivals, Juliana of the Netherlands (91), Victoria and George III (both 82) and Phil Mountbatten (79). Bowes-Lyon remains unbeaten overnight and, on current form, if she can deal with the spin of Mowlam and Campbell, could well go on to complete a double century - an unprecedented feat, unheard of even in Old Testament times. (King David reached a creditable 90, although ancient scoring is approximate, perhaps due to the necessity of counting backwards.) Bowes-Lyon's has been a truly fine performance. Possibly the only half-chance to put a stop to this magnificent score was due to a fish bone on 88. Much to Australian dismay, the future looks bright, as the current Royal Family have a strong line-up with several other very respectable innings. Gone are the days when the Royals would make a promising start, reaching 20 or 30 before carelessly losing their heads.
David Silverman
No 3645 Set by John Crick
So Hollywood wants our soaps, sitcoms and popular series. Could we have Spielberg's Antiques Roadshow, Scorcese's Ground Force, Oliver Stone's Neighbours from Hell or Woody Allen's EastEnders? Max 200 words by 7 September. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
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