No 3640 Set by John Crick

Confucius, he say . . . We asked for some previously undiscovered sayings remarkably in touch with our times.

Report by Ms de Meaner

It's always hard to work out the prize money when some of you hit the bull's-eye on several occasions and some only once. So, after much thought (two seconds), I'm awarding £5 book tokens to T Griffiths, R J Pickles, J Seery, J R Till, Margaret Rogers, David Barton and G M Davis. The rest get £10; the champagne vouchers go to Will Bellenger.

He who surfs the web of knowledge will pick up new bits.

The more cures, the more illnesses.

He who seeks asylum in a hostile land must be mad.

To travel is to stay in the same place.

A tree dies and a man gasps for breath.

Katie Mallett

Riches made on a bubble tend to burst on the next wave.

The truly wise leader speaks little, but his mouthpiece has to be very eloquent.

It is a poor leaker who doesn't cover his tracks.

In today's world, it is difficult to get by if one is not holding a baby.

John O'Byrne

The person who jumps on a bandwagon must be able to play the tune.

Only the person who enters the competition can hope to win.

R J Pickles

He who surfs the net surfs alone.

Polls may go up and polls may go down, but the pollster goes on for ever.

Margaret Rogers

He does not stir who watches moving images.

Blessed is the city through which no wheeled vehicle can pass.

No skill is important to the man who lacks it; the more so when a woman learns to do it.

He who lives quietly merits his obscurity.

The wise man lighteth no barbecue except the wind bloweth upon his neighbour's house.

Cynthia Hall

In the lottery of life, there are no rollovers.

The person who rides a bicycle cannot live life in the fast lane.

The proof of artificial intelligence is that no computer would invent a human being.

It is impossible to put on a brave face after cosmetic surgery.

W J Webster

A childless couple cannot be guilty of neglect.

David Barton

Much concrete spawns many a cardboard box.

T Griffiths

A dome avails one little without a brain.

G M Davis

Better a well-made yarn than a single thread based on spin.

J R Till

The whistle-blower is the first to receive the redundancy notice.

When a weary woman wants to watch a TV soap, sport will be on every channel.

Exam papers are always stiff with unrevised hopes.

The man who buttonholes a guest at a party will have an unpublished novel in a drawer and a great need to talk about it.

The beautiful, cheap, silk dress will never be made in your own size.

The man who masters the electric guitar loses the desire to play in a band.

Darn a hole in one sock and the other will go missing in the wash.

Anne Du Croz

The superior man wins champagne nearly every week.

The wise stay out of trouble; the virtuous stir it up.

To love a thing means wanting to buy it.

Ian Birchall

Why move to the right? The left is already there.

To widen a road is not to lessen the traffic.

The honest man works, the clever man manages, the wise man goes sick.

Death is infinite upload.

Only the man with the mobile phone can be truly sure no one has called.

To keep working towards equal opportunities, you must never allow them to be attained.

Adrian Fry

The search on the internet is the illusion of movement.

The barcode will work on the third swipe.

The Pentium is mightier than the sword.

The judge who finds you not guilty does not find you innocent.

All town planners dream of brand-new cobbles.

The child who leaves the Barbie in the box will make a fortune when 50.

Will Bellenger

Those who subscribe to a code of practice are afraid to steal openly.

You can take an ego trip without seeing a travel agent.

J Seery

No 3643 Set by George Cowley

Jason Cowley recently wrote in the Times on the subject of collaborative novels. Not that there are very many: there's our own Sean French and his partner, Nicci Gerrard (Nicci French); there's Ellery Queen (thrillers co-authored by two cousins); and there's the father and son SF writers, Fred and Geoffrey Hoyle. We'd like you to take two of the most unlikely people you can think of (Barbara Cartland/James Joyce?; Martin Amis/Enid Blyton?) and see what they might come up with. Max 200 words and in by 24 August.

E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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