No 3639 Set by John Crick
We asked for extracts from a tourist guide about places that have absolutely nothing there and are trying to disguise the fact.
Report by Ms de Meaner
You are on a roll at the moment, my loves. Hon menshes all round, especially to David Silverman for his Circular Road in Neasden ("one of the few man-made structures that can be seen, if not from outer space - who goes there anyway? - then certainly from quite high up"). £20 to the winners; the vouchers to D A Prince.
The shores of Anacek are truly mythical. For many years now, the people have spoken of them in hushed and reverent tones, as they exchange their hard-earned pl0nikls for the excellent delicacy, rosmut0n y tuvag (although some in the western quarter call it sch0ppib nz). The word mut0n links the Anaceki with the Indo-European languages, where there are similar words for grazers. So also the lamon0da knocked back in the barra! So be wary, tourists! Full strength!
Between the siesta (siesto) and the curfew (curfo), the Anaceki wear their glad rags. Their customary shalsuta shimmer in the frosty sunlight, as they gather in quaint knots on the corners to trade world-famous proverbs. You may hear them calling "Fcov y abstada", which loosely translates as "The man who comes here from the sea has a bright coin in his back pocket". They will happily guide you to the new ruins on the edge of the town, and, for a small consideration, will tell you tales of the glorious ocean. You will also be able to take photographs of the excellent graves of the indigenous people who died at every conceivable age.
Will Bellenger
Thickley's multifaceted attractions are for the connoisseur, which is why this gem of Midlands culture is comparatively unknown. An ancient university, fine buildings set in a sweeping landscape, a venerable cathedral observing the patterns of the centuries - Thickley may have none of these, but that should not prevent the traveller uncovering a rare English delight, an unchanged and unaffected town. Here is the opportunity to discover how our parents lived, untainted by the pervading influence of global markets and ubiquitous sun-dried tomato. The England of 50 years ago, preserving its unique flavour and distinctive insularity. Church, bank, school, high street, traffic island, pedestrianised shopping precinct - all are here, a microcosm of the life that, in other centres, may be throbbingly frenetic, exciting, non-stop, vibrant. The history of Thickley's contribution to the arts - its sons and daughters who have moved on to become world-class artists in paint, marble, music, literature - and the town's place in the achievements of science has yet to be written. Those seeking the obvious should go elsewhere: Thickley, securely inland and safe from all seaside vulgarity, offers a variety of delights only to people discerning enough to look beneath the surface and contemplate its unacknowledged features.
D A Prince
Dungeberg is the birthplace of Sven Larsen (1856-1931), whose industrial patents included an improved herring-filleting process and the very first "easy grip" vodka bottle. A plaque commemorates him on the wall of the small orphanage at the rear of the church, which he founded in 1928. Larsen's great commercial rival, Lars Svenson ("The Crispbread King"), has his own monument in the form of a horse trough (now disused) in the main square. It is believed that the trough was designed by Erik Karlsen, the architect of the orphanage.
Amid this riot of local history, we must not forget more recent characters. Karl Erikson founded the restaurant, where herrings can be enjoyed in all their various forms. A meal there is thoroughly recommended! And behind the vodka tap at the local tavern, you will find none other than Gunnar Gunnarson, a descendent of both Sven Larsen and Lars Svenson.
A visit to the harbour is a must, where you will be able to watch big ships with cargoes of deep-frozen fish. There, too, are the Herring Museum and the Old Distillery shopping centre.
Speaking of shopping, most types of pornography are available in town and at the hotel.
G M Davis
You, too, can marvel at the mighty magma surging ever upwards from the bowels of the earth to form the very soil on which "proud Pennytown" now stands; a town said to have been granted a Charter in the glorious days of King George VI, and perhaps even known to those Norman invaders who created our very kingdom.
Stand by the mysterious ley lines linking Pennytown to Avalon and Glastonbury, and listen for the distant thunder of the great expresses roaring ever onwards to their far destinations, and the juggernauts jostling along the distant bypass. See, too, the vapour trails of travellers to - where? Chimborazo? Cotopaxi? - those lands of fleeting dreams linked to "proud Pennytown" by the eternal lines of latitude and longitude.
Stroll unguided through the streets and alleys criss-crossing the Old Town or while away an evening recalling the haute cuisine and the world's finest wines, the nightlife of Paris, Amsterdam, New York . . . and why not daydream of the Bahamas or Mauritius? Nothing is impossible in this world of the imagination!
Here, between the historic North Sea and the broad Atlantic which have so shaped our land, "proud Pennytown" invites you to a holiday equal to England's best.
Vincent McLoughlin
No 3642 Set by John Crick
Due to a staff shortage, back-page (ie, sports) reporters have to write the front-page news stories. We want examples. Max 200 words and in by 17 August. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
