No 3636 Set by John Crick
We asked for details of the Fourth Way.
Report by Ms de Meaner
An excellent comp. Hon menshes to Will Bellenger ("The politics of Clamchukwo are a national joke. But they wouldn't have it any other way") and T Griffiths (". . . where they practise the Fourth Way, tell the truth, admit mistakes and do not gloss over unpleasant facts. It is called Never, Never Land"). £15 to the winners; the champers vouchers go to Peter Lyon.
What we call the Fourth Way has no, like, regular leaders. What we want we chat about in secret, and it all comes out in public later. For example, who organised the longer licensing hours? Who got the lads together in Belgium? Who comes up with the big ideas at meetings to discuss social security claims? You'll never know, chummie. MI-whatsit is a colander compared to the Fourth Way. Only Frank Field ever got inside, and just look at what happened to Frankie. What he never knew was that our plans are tattooed on the chests of three blokes - in case one or two overdo it, see - and those three never take their shirts off.
And get this, right. We don't need cafe chairs to have fun. Turning cars over will do the job. But we're a moderate movement: move from one pint to the next is our motto, and let things develop, like. You can't grumble about one pint at a time. It's just that times come round faster for some than for others. Talking of which . . .
Peter Lyon
The precepts of the Fourth Way are:
1) Repudiation of the First, Second and Third Ways. The First Way mires itself in the infertile swamp of unquestioned tradition. The Third Way sees the view only from the remote mountain top. The Second Way is a featureless plateau of dull compromise. But the Fourth Way is global and transcends all.
2) There cannot be a Fifth Way. After perfection, further advances cannot be made. Therefore, any deviation from the Fourth Way could only be a retreat to the barren ground of the First, Second or Third Ways.
3) In truth, the Fourth Way is neither a Way nor the Fourth in a series. We use the clumsy device of language opportunely, to reach those who have yet to attain a higher stage of consciousness. But what we call the Fourth Way is above and beyond language.
4) Money is trash, and trash cannot exist in the purified harmony of the Fourth Way. Adherents will be allowed to exchange their trash for beads, which may be used to make a variety of purchases at the bar, shop and restaurant and for all on-site leisure services.
Basil Ransome-Davies
Fourth Way - Party Political Broadcast.
Voiceover: No problems. Easy. [Giggle] Nothing to . . . worry about. Growing it. Our own. Wiz-ard. Love . . . everyone. Sharing . . . [laugh] . . . things. Joint . . . things. No . . . politics. It's very. Gentle. Fourth . . . or Fifth . . . Way.
Screen: vaguely green. Possibly leafy. Rather fuzzy. Nice though.
(Running time: 9hrs, 40mins.)
D A Prince
It's the jewel in the fun crown. But it is not another glittering gem. No, it's Sphereland, global centre of the Fourth Way. Soft, warm and endearing, it gains one's attention and affection by being playful, circumlocutory and kind of, well, fuzzy. This is not a major world power, not a flashy country full of monuments to past glories, not a centre of globalisation, e-business or political triangulation. Everything is circumstantial and circumventional. Discussions (ongoing) take precedence over decisions. The circumrevolution of 1979 outlawed all mention of "left and right"; everything was ordained "circuitous". The country's leader, Angelo Blurry, was elected "for round about as long as you want" on a Fun ticket, where the candidate getting the most laughs is elected by acclamation. Spherelanders prize duomos and cupolas, wobbly bridges, baldness and balloon travel. They have a royal family who work for a living in a circus; the capital, Loopie, boasts a huge art gallery - The Tatty - filled with the population of missing socks. It's where the visiting tourist is guaranteed a laid-back Fourth Way experience, whether it's a meandering discussion about nothing with a puzzled local, or a visit to the Grey Light area (Wittgenstein in the company of pensioners).
John O'Byrne
Squatting on the north and left of Sweden, the roughly inkblot-shaped Republic of Waldymar has been governed by Fourth Way politics since well before that term was invented to describe it. In Waldymar, the Law of Diminishing Returns has been repealed, resulting in constant, insatiable demands for everything. As the locals say between mouthfuls: "When the 12th doughnut goes down as well as the first, you tend to order a 13th." Another key component of Fourth Way thinking has been the replacement of the Nanny State with the so-called Doting Granny State, a smothering, overprotective bureaucracy that embarrasses the poor back to work by lavishing on them unwanted gifts and cloying emotional gush. But the greatest triumph of the Fourth Way has been in political education. Every child is taught that politicians are suffering an unfortunate disability preventing them enjoying life first-hand. Parliaments and councils are consequently funded through charity, while taxes go directly to the funding of hedonism. With the whole project overseen by a president selected from the wealth of Waldymaran cartoon characters, Tony Blair could do worse than look to this nation for inspiration - and doubtless he will.
Adrian Fry
>No 3639 Set by John Crick
Extracts from a tourist guide about places that have absolutely . . . nothing, and are trying to disguise the fact. Max 200 words and in by 27 July.
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
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