No 3634 Set by Margaret Rogers
We asked for famous people defined in terms of their possible means of transport.
Report by Ms de Meaner
Well, we had descriptions of real cars, fantasy cars, lots of cars, a single car and even short stories. And we had lots of new compers (welcome, especially, to Lady Clinton-Davis, who gets an hon mensh for John Major's horse and old blue cart). £15 to the winners; £5 to Michael Cregan for a partial success; Tesco tokens for the champagne of your choice to Adrian Fry.
"Why did he choose a customised Zil armoured limo?"
"Swagger," said his chauffeur. "Mr Woodhead likes to sweep through the school gates in style."
"Show 'em who's boss," I thought.
"Sometimes we drives around with the top down. He likes to take the odd sixth-former out for a spin in the lunch hour."
Arthur had parked by the playground wall, alongside the head's new Polo.
"There's lots of special design features," he said. "Any teacher'll tell you you gotta have a Safe-T-Lock petrol-cap on school premises, but ours has gotta 'stinger': case any of the buggers tries to lever it off to put sugar in the tank. None of them winders'll break, not if they was hit with a monkey-wrench, not shot at with a Kalashnikov. Looka that jet-black sheen. No dents, no chips; don't never need no polish; 100 per cent anti-vandal. Acrylic paint, shaving foam and canteen custard'll slip right off it. Chuck a bottle of school lab conc sulphuric acid: it won't mark. Damn near impossible to trash."
"You really think the kids might try?"
Arthur looked exasperated. "Just don't geddit do yer: it's the teachers we has to worry about."
Anne Du Croz
It was a ruin, Beckett's car. Some of the time it would not start. Most of the time it would not start. Either way, it did not start. When started, it seldom ran for long before stopping. When stopped, it did not start again. So perhaps it had never started, only ever stopped. But then wherefrom this business of its starting at all? There was no reason why it should not go; its engine was sound, excepting its failure to work. The car was dark in colour, black in most lights, scarcely even that in darkness. It had about it the air of a hearse but lacking the purpose. To sit in it was purgatory. The windows were almost opaque with grime, the seats impossible to sit on and impossible to get off once seated. The radio blared full volume, tuned to silence. The battery was almost dead, the headlights dimmer on than off. The tyres were bald and flat but good for a stretch more, if Beckett was to be believed. Which, by his own admission, he was not. Only the glove compartment worked, a masterpiece of perfection. Alas, Beckett, lacking gloves, would never know.
Adrian Fry
Carol Vorderman: 2001 Ferrari Countdown, series 1500, 2500, 3500, 4300, 4732. Can do 193 divided by 4 in 2.4 seconds. Hard-wired with rocket-fuel injection; two-way electric sunroof; seven power windows (hidden anagram hinges). Comprised of millions of individual pieces of random sums. Amazing transmission system. Carved with telegenic attention to detail. This car measures whatever you want it to.
The Blair Sports Utility Vehicle. When you are looking for a SUV, you're trying to get more with less. You want it to smoothly handle the daily grind in a world of old brick, worn asphalt and redundant left/right angles. But when the weekend comes you want to spin along the superhighways where there are no paved roads - just lots of exciting U-turns! The value is amazing considering the Blairage is a true 400+ horsepower SUV, with a 170+ supercharged bicameral engine. We've built it to handle the roughest Home Counties commute, as well as the most awful Euro rut-riddled dirt roads or (if you prefer) most desirable European autoroutes. Built with the minimum of parts and the best Labour practices. With generous ground clearance and double-wishbone suspension, it's your ticket to sport utility heaven. You also get power windows, split mirrors, a Straw theft-deterrent system and a dual cupholder. Something to really smile about.
John O'Byrne
The Tone-mobile has two main drawbacks. The first is that it has only one seat - for the driver himself - and, second, it has a poor acceleration of only 0mph to 0mph in three years.
Michael Cregan
Much has been made of John Prescott's official cars; less well known is the one he cherishes for private use. It is a unique vehicle, custom-built, partly from "cannibalising" write-offs, partly from components cunningly machined to replicate past originals, and partly by a modernised form of robot assembly. It also incorporates novel features such as the porthole windows and the dashboard microwave. An eclectic machine, but purely British in performance and designed less for speed than for serviceability, with comfort a low priority. Steering is unpredictable: it usually veers from the left to the crown of the road, with sudden disconcerting zigzags. It stalls and reverses with equal ease. Signs of engine fatigue are clear, but, as long as it is well lubricated, it will cover the ground doggedly, especially if it has a "pilot" car to follow. There are alarming noises under the bonnet, but miraculously they never lead to a breakdown. But whether it's an old car posing as new or a new one posing as old, or just schizoid, it's a prized possession.
Basil Ransome-Davis
No 3637 Set by George Cowley
Kate Kellaway (NS, 5 June) wrote of the "tiresome English habit of making important subjects seem droll". Pick a suitable subject. Max 200 words by 13 July.
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
