No 3632 Set by John Crick
You were asked to update or rewrite the Ten Commandments.
Report by Ms de Meaner
I've had lots of letters about our poems-on-the-joys-of-old-age comp, both for and against. One reader, 82, wrote that, although the page made her smile, "it was a wry smile". She also believes that "such poems against blacks, gays, women, etc, would surely find it hard to get a publisher". Well, the difference is, surely, that old age awaits us all, of whatever hue, inclination or gender. She is also sad that we are shortly to judge a poems-against-children comp as she "enjoyed [her] four children and now [her] two granddaughters". However, in our defence, I point to this particular comp's own antiquity: it last appeared in 1956 and was singled out by darling Arthur Marshall for replication in Salome Dear, Not in the Fridge! £15 to the winners; hon menshes to Adrian Fry ("Honour your step-parents. It's unwise to upset those who resent you already"), Chas F Garvey, David Silverman, Anne Du Croz, Cynthia Hall and Gavin Ross. A Tesco voucher (you can now choose non-Tesco champagne!) goes to J Seery.
What we need is a TOD, or Target Oriented Decalogue, and, of course, we have consulted in accordance with our motto, "Dialogue before you decalogue". We must have targets that can be met. So take all this coveting. Out go houses. Everyone, well almost everyone, has one, so that reduces temptation. Keep in coveting oxen and asses. There are not many about these days, so that should reduce infringements no end. Keep the coveting of manservants and maidservants under review. They could be on the increase. Drop the one about worshipping only one God. That's a bit restrictive, in fact downright anti-competitive, as is the one about the Sabbath. I ask you, refraining from all work every seventh day. The first decalogue was all right before globalisation. We live in a 24-hour economy. Honour your father? That can go. In these days of family breakdown, it could be difficult finding your father. Out goes the one about killing. I mean, murder is a social activity, and in an increasingly atomised and fragmented society we need all the social interaction we can get. Leave in the one about bearing false witness against your neighbour. Most people are too busy playing computer games to know who their neighbours are, so that should be easy enough. Definitely keep the one about theft and adultery. They are traditional. Every society needs some sort of continuity. And add a footnote: "The Commandments themselves contain no defects, but their presentation may be faulty."
J Seery
Thou shalt not have strange noms de plume before me.
Thou shalt not take the name of Ms de Meaner in vain.
Remember to keep wholly to the Deadline Day.
Honour thy sponsor Tesco.
Thou shalt not be silly.
Thou shalt not commit more than 200 words.
Thou shalt not steal or plagiarise.
Thou shalt not bear false comparisons against a winner.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's prose/verse.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's champagne goods.
John O'Byrne
Thou shalt have no cuisine but ours.
Thou shalt not make graven images of our trademarked golden arches, name, etc.
Thou shalt not make false use of the name of McDonald's, or else a McLibel case is coming your way.
Keep the Sabbath holy - go large on your Extra Value Meal.
Honour your son or daughter with a Happy Meal.
Thou shalt not commit murder, but thou may mass-produce and slaughter much cattle and poultry.
Thou shalt not commit adultery by eating at Burger King.
Thou shalt not steal, but thou may drive a hard bargain with suppliers, staff, etc.
Thou shalt not bear false witness. (We weren't joking about the McLibel bit.)
Thou must covet thy neighbour's wife, house, goods, etc, thereby fuelling consumerism, global capitalism and our relentless march unto the promised land, where no one is more than half an hour away from a McDonald's restaurant.
Julian Baggini
Worship any god you please, but in case of need call Jehovah first. A full-service benevolent deity with a proven track record, I will match any offer.
Many people find sacred art inspiring, but it's only art. Idolatry is uncool.
I think I can relax this one a little: "My God!" is allowable, "Jesus fucking Christ!" is not.
Remember the Sabbath, to keep it wholly devoted to leisure and consumption.
Horror your father and mother (I know you will anyway!).
No killing is the basic rule here, with permitted exceptions (eg, when in uniform, when your victim has a darker skin than you, when you are out of radar range, etc).
Adultery: this one seems to be a stand-off, but I can live with it.
Stealing: deep water here, but since the concept of property is being redefined I must postpone any revision until I hear the report of the working party on IT and copyright law.
Perjury and lying in court are despicable, but remember - without them, the criminal justice system wouldn't work.
Covetousness is definitely still a sin. But social and pecuniary emulation are powerful incentives to self-improvement.
Basil Ransome-Davies
No 3635 Set by John Crick
A contemporary Jonathan Swift, you go on a Voyage to Monomania. Describe the obsessions of its 21st-century inhabitants. Max 200 words and in by 29 June.
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
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