No 3627 Set by Leonora Casement
"These days you are not allowed to just hit them over the head with a shovel. They have to die with dignity," said London's chief rodent-catcher, describing his day. You were asked for descriptions of other terrible jobs updated for our times.
Report by Ms de Meaner
I allowed some leeway this week as so many sent up the jobs something wonderful - clearly projecting them some way into the future to excuse your flights of fancy. Ian Birchall, always forthright, had his street-sweeper working during "the Widdecombe government". Hon menshes to Ian, Katie Mallett (abattoir worker) and Margaret Rogers (teacher) and a mensh for Chas F Garvey for his snake-charmer. Snake-charmer? Dear Chas! £15 to the winners; the bottle goes to Watson Weeks.
As a modern refuse operative co-ordinator, with a mission statement that aims to bring quality community recycling to the forefront of the local, national and international consciousness, my priority is to sift the wheat from the chaff, metaphorically speaking. There is no such thing as a reject, only a waste opportunity, and this is where I come in. As Europol link manager in the disposal sector, my zonal remit is to test the products of our collection service for statistical quotients, separating the human effluent from the artificial or vegetable matter, on a sampling basis, the better to build up a DNA database of fluids and solids, all recorded and postcoded in the global fight against criminality. The refuse process is no longer a hands-off process. I test for salivation, expression and faecality in a dedicated unit, reporting on the texture, colour, quantity, taste and combustibility of the various substances collated, and record the mean percentages for international calibration. This is an enabling service, restoring appropriate importance to the manufacture of extraneous secondary materials by household occupants. In time, we aim to target specific individuals to establish the pattern and location of their behaviour, thereby assisting the national information grid.
Will Bellenger
It is important to realise that drivers who park illegally are often suffering from intolerable stress, and perceive themselves, with some justification, to be the victims of bureaucratic inflexibility. A cautious approach is advised, and care should be taken not to invade the driver's space. Eye contact should be avoided - anything in fact that might be construed as a threat. A low-key, soothing, mellifluous tone of voice will defuse any tendency to parking rage, as will soft music, a James Galway piece perhaps, played ideally by the warden himself - skilled flautists are favourably regarded at interview - but a tape recording will suffice; and if the ticket is presented in a scented envelope, with an accompanying voucher to set against future fines, and there is much regretful wringing of hands and abject apologies, a potentially explosive situation may be averted. The most successful tactic, of course, is for the warden to pay the fine himself. The money proffered backwards through the legs will certainly guarantee the warden's safety and leave both parties in this transaction feeling good about themselves.
Watson Weeks
It was felt that the essential problem in our client relations was a lack of client empowerment. A survey among the 73 prospective clients in our state was carried out. Responses to the question "What colour should the room be?" led to its redecoration in an agreeable shade of powder blue. Then again, high stress levels among clients were revealed and it was felt that these should be reduced. Over half responded positively to the follow-up question, "Should you be allowed to take a favourite object, such as your childhood teddy bear, with you?" Moreover, the use of judgemental utterances was perceived to be both stress-inducing and, in the circumstances, redundant; the operative has now received training in counselling techniques. Methodology is a controversial issue in our field, but again a way was found to empower the clients, each of whom is now asked, individually: "When the time comes, would you prefer to be hanged, gassed or shot?"
Andrew Wilcox
It's not called the Army any more, explains a spokesperson for Britain's Conflict Neutralisation Service. The word "army" tends to promote unhelpful stereotyping - images of a politically motivated, aggression-driven, phallocentric hierarchy. That can be quite intimidating to our partners.
Are the feelings of these partners - formerly enemies - crucial to the Service? We mustn't become institutionally prejudiced against those who attempt to destroy us. Like us, they're attempting to provide quality service. We must respect that.
But how do you overcome prejudice against those who are attempting to kill you? The key lies in understanding and empathising with your partners. Positive discrimination and stress management training have helped up the proportion of care skillage available at the front line.
Are most caring combatants killed instantly? Yes, but we're in this for the long game. We've a long history of military campaigns to atone for.
What about prejudice in the ranks? Abolishing rank helped a lot. But disability remains problematic. Conflict neutralisation creates thousands of disabled people a year and we're determined to help them develop ways to give something back.
Adrian Fry
No 3730 Set by H J Barker
. . . who has been reading us since 1938 ("when I was 31, including during the Second World War . . . in Abyssinia. The competitions cheered me up then and they have always done so since"). We want 14 lines of verse in praise, or otherwise, of old age by 25 May.
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
Post this article to
We want to encourage people to comment on our content and to exchange views with other readers and hope this will be done on a courteous basis. However, if you encounter posts which are offensive please let us know by using the 'report this comment' facility or by emailing comments@newstatesman.co.uk and we will take swift action where necessary.
