Filming of Alastair: the movie has begun, and the impact on Westminster journalists is wonderful to behold. The cameras went into No 10 for the daily lobby briefing, which therefore lasted much longer than usual. It was noticed that the political correspondents loudest in their condemnation of this outrageous invasion of their professional privacy were to the fore in asking "difficult" questions that might get them into the biopic of the Prime Minister's press secretary.
Naturally, Ali was on carefully cultivated hard-man form, casually dismissing the Sunday papers as "crap" and pretending that he does not usurp the political prerogative of his ministers.
Why is Ali doing it? Is it part of an elaborate exit strategy? Speculation suggests that Campbell may go for the safe parliamentary seat of BurnIey, the home of his favourite football team. The incumbent MP, Peter Pike, the inheritor of Joe GormIey's sobriquet "battered cherub", is thought likely to retire. Pike is famous for asking Betty Boothroyd, when she ascended to the throne: "What shall we call you?" The Speaker replied: "Call me Madam!"
An extraordinary, violent assault by the Mail on Sunday's political editor, Simon Walters, on Jerry Hayes, ex-Tory MP and now the political editor of Punch (that's not a joke) - over a piece in that magazine about Walters and his treatment of his now ex-deputy - prompted much memory-searching about previous fisticuffs in the palace. This one was in the press gallery dining-room, but most of the others took place in Annie's Bar and are covered by the lobby rule of omerta. Walters comes from a long line of MoS tough guys. I remember one of his predecessors abusing Joe Ashton MP in terms that would have made me blush, had I been able to remember how to.
The PM was obliged to play host to a fleet of indignant motor manufacturers complaining that the high value of the pound is "killing" their industry. Nothing to do with their overpriced products, of course. But their pirouette was nothing compared to the TUC ballet. Blair agreed to see Lord (Bill) Morris of the TGWU and Sir Ken Jackson of the AEEU a deux about the problems affecting Rover. But John "Treble Chins" Edmonds, not yet Lord of the GMB, demanded to be there; so did Roger Lyons, the leader of MSF, whom some call eloquent and others call a big mouth. The only bloke left kicking his heels in Whitehall was the man who knew something about Rover, the Black Country boy Tom Watson, the political officer of the AEEU and former West Midlands officer of the Labour Party. He was eventually allowed in - for a pee, when the meeting was over.
Who said it of whom? "How can a man who is Jewish and English possibly be expected to understand what we think?" David Trimble, the disillusioned Ulster Unionist leader, of the Northern Ireland Secretary, Peter Mandelson. Not strictly true, since the undisgraced one is Jewish only on his father's side. But it brings to mind the irate old lady in Belfast who berated a beardless BBC reporter: "The trouble with you English is that you forget we British are Irish!"
MPs are being offered something called acupressure treatment to relieve muscular tension, sports injuries and stress-related problems such as insomnia, mental fatigue and poor digestion. The offer comes from Andrew Staib, who has been distributing handbills round what he describes as "the Houses of Commons" (funny, I thought there was only one). He claims to be familiar with "the pressures of this particular working environment and how bodies can get overstretched, tense and run-down".
His technique, at £25 for half an hour, uses thumb and hand pressure directly through clothing (so that's all right then) to help MPs relax and gain strength. The offer has been mostly greeted with derision, but Staib quotes an unidentified "Satisfied MP 1999", saying: "It's the only thing I've found that really unwinds me."
The writer is chief political commentator for the Mirror
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