No 3622 Set by Desmond Donovan

Wilkie Collins in The Moonstone described the Mothers' Small-Clothes Conversion Society, whose purpose is to "rescue unredeemed fathers' trousers from the pawnbroker, and to prevent their resumption, on the part of the irreclaimable parent, by abridging them immediately to suit the proportions of the innocent son". We asked for other charities that have so far remained un-founded.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Some truly deranged charities- I loved them all. I was only sad that a page is all the comp complex is allowed. Hon menshes to Basil Ransome-Davies for the Societe Frique, the charity that provides "mental healthcare and emotional support for the pets of victims of airship disasters", David Silverman for the National Insect Trust, which is committed to "improving the relationship between insects and humans", and Sid Field for the Cardboard Protection Society which "rescues and rehabilitates heartlessly discarded cardboard". £10 to O'Byrne and Mallett, £15 to the rest. The bottle goes to Monica Ekemode.

Vids Anonymous. The work of VA has grown apace since its foundation in the mid-1980s, confronting the thoughtless "sad" label with programmes of mutual aid and support for the compulsive viewers of straight-to-video films. Addicts of low-budget SF and martial-arts movies, followers of Brian Dennehy or Rutger Hauer, cultists and adherents of marginal databases - all can find a way back to health and self-esteem though VA's organised networks of self-help.

No one says it's easy - because it isn't. The sickness is tenacious, and the sudden lure of Gladiator or Mariette in Ecstasy can defeat the most solid resolution. It's hard to resist alone. That's why we have a 24-hour helpline and experienced VA "mentors" who will spend time with the sufferer until the craving passes.

We are a vital source of help for a growing need. The VA doesn't pretend there's a "cure"; what we offer is a 12-step path to "recovery". But to help addicts we need the resources. We need your money - even if your taste is for Bergman, Truffaut or Fellini. Who knows - one of these days it might be you.

G M Davis

The Diabetic Sugar Rescue Society. It is a well-known fact that diabetics are frequently afflicted with excess sugar excretion in their urine. This is normally flushed through the domestic drainage system and thus ends up as a waste product. The DSRS was set up to recycle this potentially valuable resource. Saved by participating diabetics (of whom there are potentially more than a million in the UK alone), the precious raw material is collected at regular intervals and delivered to the DSRS laboratories where it is first purified through removal of pigments, trace minerals and other contaminants. It is then boiled down to a syrup and crystallised for distribution under the brand name "P-Sweet". This is currently the only truly organic, environmentally sound alternative to cane sugar. The anticipated profit from this operation will be allocated as follows: Free supplies of P-Sweet for all NHS hospitals (whence much of the raw material will originate), and funding for land clearance of sugar plantations. Operatives hitherto employed in the production of cane sugar will be employed in the manufacture of P-Sweet and its worldwide distribution network. The land thus freed from sugar plantation will be allowed to revert to its original tropical rainforest status.

Monica Ekemode

Politically Abused Animals' Rescue. The launch of PAAR is seriously overdue. It is every animal's right to choose not to be implicated in the "owner's" political affiliations. Victims of political abuse need extensive counselling and resettlement therapy. Who can forget Humphrey's expression of revulsion when manually exploited for photographers by Cherie Booth, newly installed feline-phobic-turned-catloving chatelaine of No 10? Or his anguished squirming when smeared with new Labour anthropomorphism?

But what of current victims? Like Lord Archer's feline cohabitees, flaunted in the broadsheets in his vain attempt to cream off their integrity? Or Carruthers, the feline manipulated by Ann Widdecombe to make Conservative policies furry and cuddly? Their renaming and resettlement will take years.

And there are more: those desperate noses and whiskers on websites, campaign leaflets, posters - pigs pursued by papparazzi; hamsters hamstrung with the wilder fantasies of the Lib Dem fringes. They need PAAR. Now. It's their right.

D A Prince

The Old Compers Caring Support Group. Haven't won in ages? Feeling unwanted by the New Statesman and on the literary scrap heap? And a bit short of money? Never mind - a voluntary group of seasoned but caring compers is but a phone-call away. We'll help you choose a new career: crosswords, bungee jumping, supermarket coupon-cutting . . .

John O'Byrne

The Authors' Remainder Avoidance Service. Books that are in danger of being remaindered are quickly bought up with enthusiasm to give an impression of popularity, possibly engendering a reprint. Although mainly supported by poets, the service remains a charity available to all. One day, you might need help convincing your publisher that your efforts are worthwhile.

Katie Mallett

No 3625 Set by Margaret Rogers

Now that the government appears to want schools to promote marriage as A Good Thing, can we have up to 200 words describing this wonderful institution. In by (Wednesday) 19 April.

E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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