Those who know more about these things than I do, a bafflingly large majority, say there is a deep-laid plot to ensure that Gordon Brown never becomes leader of the Labour Party and prime minister of his country.
It goes something like this. Tony Blair, despite his admission to the writer Robert Harris (in an interview for Tina Brown's Talk magazine) that the job is harder than he expected, soldiers on for two more elections and stands down when he has been in Downing Street roughly as long as Margaret Thatcher. He would then be ready to hand the baton of office to the intellectual engine of his government.
But, by that date, the economic cycle will have taken Britain into recession, or at least a serious downturn, for which Ir'n Broon gets the blame. He is then a discredited figure, and a much-attenuated Parliamentary Labour Party and the automata in the constituencies turn to a younger politician.
Neat, innit?
Rumours of the imminent demise of Simon Buckby, the director of the Britain in Europe campaign, are wide of the mark. He may not have won the argument with an ungrateful nation over the euro, but his bosses have accepted his assurances that he will not go looking for a safe Labour seat before the election. This same Buckby failed to get Leeds Central after the death of the Foreign Office minister Derek Fatchett, despite offering his girlfriend's mum's address in Bradford as proof of "local" connections.
No such inhibitions afflict John Cruddas, the Downing Street apparatchik responsible for links with the labour movement. Crudders has been seen in Dagenham, home of the ailing Ford plant, in the company of minders from the engineering union AEEU. He is obviously angling for the Essex constituency. I advise him to go by public transport, rather than turn up in his fancy BMW car.
So Michael Brunson lost the fight, after all. Readers may recollect my paragraph relating his struggle to call his autobiography On Mike. This may have been a bit self-indulgent, but it was quite funny. Which is more than can be said for A Ringside Seat, the publishers' final choice, particularly since I have never seen him sitting down. ITN's former political editor is now casting around for new projects, but he is not wildly excited by my suggestion that he should do a proper Tony Blair book. Perhaps there is something in the rumours that he is heading for a life peerage. Certainly, it is true that new Labour, having ennobled so many clones, is now desperately searching for fresh candidates for the Lords.
Austin Mitchell is furious that Peter "Bonkers" Hitchens, the political columnist of the Express, should make such a public job application to the BBC in the Guardian after the pair's Sunday morning show on Talk Radio was axed by Kelvin MacKenzie. Hitchens paraded his inclusive style, pointing out that he had deliberately brought in the defiantly old Labour MP for Grimsby. Wisely, he did not bother to mention that he had offered to drop Mitchell if he could keep his £500-a-week two-hour programme. Still, Hitchens's publishers have agreed to reinstate the chapter on buggery in the paperback edition of his book about the "abolition" of Britain. It was left out of the hardback on grounds of taste. Meanwhile, Mitchell has had to call in the council rat-catchers to rid his Halifax home of mice. They were steadily eating through his speeches and - horror of horrors - his photographic negatives. "But they're poisonous!" screeched the enraged snapper.
Disagreeable to relate, but the Lib Dems tell me that the Tories are thinking of putting up Michael Colvin's son for the by-election in Romsey caused by the Conservative MP's death in a fire at his home. This will kibosh Cowley Street's hopes of winning the seat, "because the locals will not realise it is a different Colvin". Be that as it may, for weeks after the MP's widely reported death, constituents were still writing to him.
The writer is chief political commentator for the Mirror
Post this article to
We want to encourage people to comment on our content and to exchange views with other readers and hope this will be done on a courteous basis. However, if you encounter posts which are offensive please let us know by emailing comments@newstatesman.co.uk and we will take swift action where necessary.
