No 3618 Set by John Crick
"Rumour" has it that Tony Blair is planning to infiltrate soap operas with messages on government policy. We asked for an extract from a production of a literary classic where the spin-doctors have been at work.
Report by Ms de Meaner
One of the most popular comps for ages . . . which means I've had more Shakespeare to read than perhaps I might have wished for. My own fault entirely. Hon menshes to Peter Lyon, David Barton and Watson Weeks (all the Bard). The winners get £15; the bottle goes to Margaret Rogers.
Viola: What country, friends, is this?
Immigration officer: This is Illyria, lady.
Viola: And what should I do in Illyria?
My brother he is in Elysium . . .
Immigration officer: Marry, madam, obviously we take each application on its merits, but the circumstances of your . . . er . . . arrival in Illyria are somewhat unusual and we will be conducting certain enquiries. We will process your application as expeditiously as possible. In the meantime we will find you adequate lodgings in yon Illyria Holiday Inn. We would request that you report to this office each week with your papers - you'd be surprised at some of the disguises people have used to hide their identity . . . We do have a policy of dispersal, but will always keep families together if possible. Where did you say your brother was?
David Silverman
Jimmy: God, I'm dying in this dead-and-alive hole! If I have to spend another second watching my wife trying to turn ironing into an act of stoicism, I'll -
Cliff: Lay off her. I'm trying to read the papers.
Jimmy: Unsuccessfully, if the speed your lips are moving is anything to go by.
Cliff: I'm reading about Robin Cook's ethical foreign policy, actually.
Jimmy: A fairytale, as befits a man of your intelligence.
Cliff: No. What Mr Cook is saying makes sense. He is only prepared to involve British troops in peacekeeping activities. So you wouldn't be compromising your pacifism by joining the army.
Alison: Peace, Jimmy. Even you have to acknowledge that's a good, brave cause worth dying for. And it'd make Daddy very happy.
Jimmy: What, my joining the army or dying in it?
Cliff: Both, preferably. I mean, we're all fed up with your negativity, Jimmy. It just doesn't have a place in new Labour Britain.
Jimmy: But it has a place in Kosovo, I suppose.
Alison:At least out there, you'll have something to be miserable about.
Jimmy: Unlike you, from the smiles on your faces.
Cliff: Just being positive.
Adrian Fry
Lear: I am a very foolish, fond old man,
Fourscore and upwards. Not in my perfect mind.
The daughters I gave all to threw me out,
Leaving me homeless, destitute, alone.
Kent: Good my liege, you should ere now have put
Your money in an Isa account to save
Against a rainy day.
Lear: Aye Kent, 'tis true.
Alas, too late! I am already drench'd
By unremitting storms.
Kent: Tis ne'er too late.
Here comes thy youngest child, Cordelia
Who's saved on your behalf a goodly sum
In a tax-free, interest-earning fund!
Lear: Cordelia that I wrong'd? Can it be true?
Cordelia: Father, it is. Henceforth my hellish sisters
Can stew in their own juice, whilst we two
Taste ambrosia, insured 'gainst want
By sound investment.
Lear: Thou must bear with me,
Forgetting and forgiving. I'm but an old fool.
Cordelia: But independent, thanks to an Isa
Variable Rate Account, designed by the government to help all those
In their dotage to enjoy what they
Invested wisely in their salad days
(In Tessas, but now oft replaced by Isas).
Come, Father, let's go in out of the cold:
The thrifty aren't afraid of growing old.
Margaret Rogers
Lady Bracknell: This Mr Bunbury seems to suffer from curiously bad health.
Algernon: Yes, poor Bunbury is a Bupa patient.
Lady Bracknell: Well, I must say, Algernon, that it is high time Mr Bunbury made up his mind. NHS spending has risen threefold in the last quarter, and there is no excuse for his failing to avail himself of the improved facilities. Private patients are entitled to suffer from exotic diseases, but not to be cured of them. When your poor uncle willingly gave up his right to sit in the House of Lords, he did not surrender his right to join a waiting-list. Indeed, I understand that he is one of many who have found the queue an enervating experience. People in modern hospitals always seem to be suffering, which is distressing, but then completely recovered, which means that they are in no fit state for hospital. Under the Conservative government I was frequently left upon a trolley, or mistaken for a laundry basket. Now, I am provided with a choice of seventeen hot drinks, or asked to serve the community as a volunteer. Mr Bunbury will do well to take notice.
Will Bellenger
No 3721 Set by Tim Hopkins
Wogan, of course, was once Wearily Obsequious - Guests Advertising Nightly. We'd like some acronyms for today's bunch of TV personalities. Warning: only those who send in at least five good ones will be selected. Entries to be in by 23 March.
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
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