No 3617 Set by John O'Byrne
In 1955, the NS ran a competition on the architectural salvage sale at Bowood, most of which was demolished into doorways, panelling and architraves, and even "Lot No 288: The Entire South Elevation". We asked for something similar for the Millennium Dome.
Report by Ms de Meaner
What fun you had. The entrants clearly enjoyed themselves enormously this week. The Dome's creators can give themselves a pat on the back for making at least the NS compers happy. I liked most of them a lot. £15 to the winners; £5 tokens for the shorties; the bottle to D A Prince.
Postscript: I have had an e-mail from Andrew Wilcox, a winner of comp no 3614, pointing out that he won it by himself. His printed co-winner, Paralia Angelochoriou, is in fact Greek for Paralia Beach and the first line of his address. This must be the first time that a beach has won a prize.
The Sale of the Millennium. Everything must go! To be auctioned as seen.
Lot 1: Giant pulsating heart. Could be used as the ultimate Valentine card.
Lot 2: Blood-coloured chamber to encase heart. Could also be used as set for horror movie or pop video.
Lot 3: Giant pelvis. Would make unusual arch for weddings.
Lots 5-65: Sixty-one foam-ball guns. Not suitable for children.
Lots 66-266: Ten kilometres of portable, collapsible barriers, as used in post offices etc, in lots of 50m.
Lot 267: Three-storey spiral queuing ramp with double staircase. Holds up to 500 people for long periods. Easily converted into skateboard piste or other adventure playground attraction.
Lots 268-867: Six hundred giant leaf-cutting ants capable of chewing through wood, plastic, Teflon etc, individually cased in attractive gift box.
Lots 869-884: Sixteen interactive video machines. National Curriculum compatible.
Lot 885: Portable volcano.
Lot 886: Portable tornado.
Lots 888-1,989: Assorted bargains to be auctioned by the palletload.
Lots 1,989-2,000: Twelve coin machines that will speak your personal prayer.
Ideal Christmas gifts.
Gordon Gwilliams
Lot 1: One superior 380m-diameter assisted span cover (to cover 20 acres), plus 12 supporting 100m masts, known formally as "The Dome". Excellent condition. Roof will support Jumbo jet (not tested). Suitable for airport parking, housing NHS waiting-lists, TV gardening challenges, indoor bungee-jumping. Relocation subject to survey, local authority regulations and planning consent. Buyer collects.
Lot 59: Ten on-site octagonal eight-hatch glazed ticket booths. Pristine. One slightly used, but no visible marks. Fitted state-of-the-art facilities - coffee-making, digital TV, stereo sound, central heating, anti-static carpet, sun blinds.
Lot 104: One enclosed escalator (electric - plug fitted) in form of human leg. Grey plastic effect; wipe-clean finish, but some graffiti to "ankle" area. Fifteen metres foot to groin. As seen.
Lot 169: One working large-scale model human heart, 10m x 6m max, inc stereo sound, rhythm lights, auto-pulsator, liquid blood simulation. Safety exit attached. Additional interior. Spectators' Gallery, to hold approx 50. Well-maintained.
Lot 504: Fifty sandwich boards, top-hinged, storm-proof, 1m high, with gold lettering - SOLD OUT! Original packaging. Never used.
D A Prince
Artworks
Item: Multicultural tableau (computer-generated), 10m x 5m from Faith Zone, representing Moses, the Pope, the Dalai Lama, the Prophet Mohammed and other spiritual leaders, including the British Prime Minister, at a restaurant table in Brussels.
Item: Job lot of sanitary fixtures and wall tiles in various colours bearing extant graffiti ("Scrap the MacDome", "Mandy sucks", "Millwall 4 Ever", "My Knob is Huge" etc). Some damaged.
Item: Set of matching sculptures in the form of pubic lice, many life-size. Not suitable for children.
Item: "Panopticon Sequence #33", unedited monochrome security videotape of small numbers of people moving about in a large empty space.
Item: Snackpacks, various. Past sell-by date, but with promising aesthetic and commemorative value.
Basil Ransome-Davies
One-liners
For auction: Gigantic novelty slug trap.
R J Pickles
Lot 100: White free-standing board, red lettering: "BODY: WAY IN". Sold as fun item of special interest to restaurateurs or Adult Shop retailers.
M E Ault
Lots 1-2,000: Three-inch squares of Dome canopy fabric with lustre finish inscribed with the crest of Lord Falconer and mounted on teak plinths.
G M Davis
Lot 512: Folding multi-faith chapel in genuine Canadian asbestos board. Mildly offensive to adherents of all religions. Suit atheist.
Andrew Wilcox
No 3620 Set by John Crick
Tony Blair once said that his party would "campaign in poetry, but govern in prose". With the next general election in mind, we want campaigning limericks, sonnets, haikus, odes (whatever takes your fancy). These should be in by 16 March.
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
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