No 3600 Set by George Cowley
George Lucas wrote in the NS of the "priceless eternal love of playing with ideas enjoyed by sixth-formers for generations". We asked for a discussion between sixth-formers today.
Report by Ms de Meaner
Ah, you cynics. The youth of today - or yoof, as you obviously think of them - clearly don't get full marks from you. Will Bellenger can have an hon mensh for two of his schoolboy jokes: Q: What do you get if you cross Will Smith with Alastair Campbell? A: The Fresh Prince of Blair. Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: It was genetically modified. Other hon menshes are awarded to John O'Byrne ("So why is it wrong for me to kiss you?") , Robin Oakley-Hill ("Who shot John Kennedy - they all wanted to know") and Geoff Thurman ("Daddy's going to buy it, rent out the other rooms and sell the place when the course is finished"). The winners can have £15 and the bottle of champers goes to N Syrett.
'Sorlright, Mum'n'Dadraway.
Wassatime?
Bou'twoaclock. Stil'otout'ere.
Buggerrit! Igotteakoil omitrousers!
Jammacandle innatableslat. Oshit! Forgodagetamatches.
Usyafaglighter.
Whooooooar! Assabloodyflamethrower!
Reconass Venusupthere.
Nah. 'SJupiter.
'SfuckinVenus! Igoddatelescopeahome! 'SVenus . . . yeah.
Youstilgoinoutwi CattyAndrews - 'erazbangslika . . .
Shuddup! Assersister.
Whereyougoin ninOctober?
Brigh-on.
Yagoddabejokin! Dinkeydoo!
Plennyawindsurfindown'ere . . . yeah.
Sposeso . . . Wassyore corseden?
Biznishtudies . . . Wannabe'naccountnt. 'Swher'amoneyiz. Waddayoudoin?
'Putascience aWarwick. Campusfuckinbrill . . . f'ntasticbloodyunionbar . . . goomuzicscene . . . gedaloadagigs.
Goddim'ammered.
So'mi . . . Ratarsed . . . Aaaah! . . . .
D'you b'leevin God?
Nah.
Knowwhagetsme? Onedaywegonnadie.
Yeah . . . 'Srealisaddinnit.
Mmm . . . Yorragoomate, Mazza.
Yeah'n'soayou.
'Sgoin, eh? Canyawalk?
Jusdabout . . . Phwooooar! . . . Hahaha! Stairzlbe'opeless!
Sleeponasittinrmsofa, eh?
(Sounds of blundering for another half an hour . . . then silence.)
Anne Du Croz
Kenny All comes down to perception, really. Ease off a bit, Smack, lot of fuzz about. I mean that old bag you flipped on the zebra crossing might have been nothing more than a phantasm conjured up by your senses.
Smack Well, she took the wing mirror with 'er, didn't she? And I only nicked this yesterday.
Kenny Proves nothing. That wing mirror, Fat Barbara in the back, me, might have no existence outside your own shaven skull.
Barbara Call me fat again and you effing won't have.
Smack Shut it, Babs, GCSEs like yours you're lucky to be here. Get yourself an Exhibition to All Souls like Kenny here, then give us the backseat dualism.
Kenny Alternatively we could all be poor imitations of some Platonic ideal. You want the service - the old geezer's always asleep. Fat Barbara might be simply the poor representation of a perfect and other-worldly Fat Barbara.
Smack Ockham's Razor, Kenny, let's stick to fundamentals. Any workable personal philosophy - you want the electrics display or the ladies leisurewear? - must facilitate some attainable practical objectives.
Kenny Like getting skipfuls of money and pulling lots of birds, right? Leisurewear, and once we're in go for the Italian stuff - no British garbage.
Smack Right, hold on. All property is theft.
N Syrett
Baz I still think that what we call the band is more important than the music we play.
Caz Well, you know where I stand. We should be called Piece of Slice.
Baz Don't you think Unconditional Needlework is more, y'know, Dada.
Caz So why not call ourselves Dada?
Baz Too obvious. And anyway, we've agreed we're not a Dadaist band.
Caz Then how come you want a name that's more Dada than Piece of Slice?
Baz Because a more Dada name is a nod in the direction of our influences.
Caz I thought we agreed on no influences.
Baz No, we agreed no conscious influences. That's different.
Caz Oh, yeah. Now what about music?
Baz I thought we could cover some Oasis tracks.
Caz But cover versions of hits are so naff.
Baz We wouldn't be covering the hits. We'd do the songs no one liked. To prove we weren't influenced by commercial considerations.
Caz Yeah, we've got to keep our music pure, real pure.
Baz Right. Have you thought any more about what instrument you're gonna play?
Caz No. Have you?
Baz No.
Adrian Fry
No 3603 Set by John Crick
It is alleged that modern man suffers from a crisis of identity and insecurity about his role. We want you to update one of the more masterful characters from fiction - for example, Rochester, Sherlock Holmes, Heathcliff, Richard III . . . Long John Silver. But pick one of your own, by all means. Max 200 words and in by 2 November.
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
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