No 3599 Set by George Cowley
Alice (according to the geologist Tony Cooper) merely fell down a hole created by the combination of geology, water and gypsum - subsidence to you and me - not a rabbit hole lived in by a white rabbit wearing a waistcoat and watch. We asked for other updated fairy tales.
Report by Ms de Meaner
Anne Du Croz pointed out that the comp setter could have two meanings: 1) simply updated for 1999, and 2) the "fairy" bit entirely written out of the "tale". "Cooper is a geologist, but I don't suppose you want the updated tales geological, or even necessarily plain scientific explanations . . . or you would have said so." Not necessarily, Anne. I allowed well, anything really, as long as it was witty/clever/both. Hon menshes to Ian Birchall, Watson Weeks, Carolyn Beckingham ("The Prince bent over the Sleeping Beauty and touched her forehead with his lips. She sat bolt upright. "Date rape!" she shouted . . ."), Gordon Gwilliams, Adrian Fry, H M Hogan, R J Pickles, T Griffiths and David Silverman. (As you can see, we had a large postbag for this comp.) £15 to the winners; the bottle goes to Nick MacKinnon.
Aladdin.com
Once upon a virtual time a widow had a son whose name was Aladdin. They had poor IT, limited graphics and no server, though Aladdin did earn some e-cash by a little chip-picking.
One day he met a mysterious software developer from the Valley of Silicones.
"Would you like to earn loads of cyber-cash, boy?" the man asked. "I'm not going to ask you to do much. Just go into that Technology Centre underground and follow my programmable instructions."
So Aladdin found himself in a strange on-line place and with the aid of a Shockwave Plug-In Navigation Browser downloaded secret passwords and encrypted defence secrets to a foreign country with a strange name.
"Thanks, a bunch, geek," said the stranger, exiting in a millisecond.
Aladdin, surrounded by loads of hi-tech hardware and software, did not know what to do.
Then he saw a mouse and began rubbing it. Suddenly the Centre was filled with Milk of Magnesia light, and a genius with clasped hands appeared in Window 2000.
"You're now a fully fledged nerd and can return home to your mother," he whispered.
So Aladdin and his mother went from being poor to being multimedia. From that day on, they had everything they could ask for: bespoke software, a global network connecting other fairy-tale sites and e-commerce verification services validating the authenticity of their stories.
And, of course, the beautiful Sultan's daughter (www.halima.org/genie). All thanks to a genius called King Gates.
John O'Byrne
Cinderella and the footballer
Once upon a time there was an au pair called Cinderella, who was very unhappy and badly treated by the family she lived with because of the lack of legislation to protect au pairs.
One day she was in her tiny attic room eating a Pot Noodle (her only meal for the day) when the door opened and a beautiful woman in a Versace dress came in.
"Are you my Fairy Godmother?" Cinderella asked.
"No," said the lady. "I'm from Hello! magazine. We're going to send you to a ball and do a feature on how you got on. So if you could be seen chatting with Sophie and Tiggy and the others, it would be a help!"
So Cinderella went to the ball, where she met a footballer who got pissed and knocked her about.
As she sat, alone in her room, the door opened and a man came in.
"Are you my Fairy Godmother?" asked Cinderella hopefully.
"Maybe," said the man. "I'm from the Sun, doing a story on violent footballers, and I'd like your story. How much?"
So Cinderella got rich and never had to eat another Pot Noodle again as long as she lived.
Michael Cregan
Dick Livingstone and his Newt
Once upon a time Dick Livingstone lived in the village of Brent. He had heard that London's Underground trains ran on rails of gold. When he got to London he couldn't make the rails golden again, but he did make all the fares one groat, and the Londoners were very happy and gave him a lovely house by the Thames.
On the other side of the river lived a wicked Queen from a rival fairy story. Every morning she would ask: "MORI, MORI, MORI poll, who is the fairest one of all?"
And the poll would reply: "Dick Livingstone."
The Queen became so jealous that she summoned all her power and turned Dick's house into an aquarium and banished Dick into the wilderness with only a magic newt for company. Ten long years later the wicked Queen died and her nice-but-not-so-clever son became King. Then he died and his clever-but-not-very-nice brother became King.
Then the newt said to Dick: "Stand again Livingstone, Lord Mayor of London."
So he did, and everyone lived happily ever after except the clever-but-not-very-nice brother.
Nick MacKinnon
No 3602 Set by George Cowley
Ian Hargreaves wrote recently in the New Statesman (Media, 27 September): "Journalists never know when to admit they don't have the answer." Could we have a piece of writing by a journalist (or anyone that seems appropriate) where the author is obviously floundering. Max 200 words and in by 28 October.
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
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