No 3597 Set by John Crick
"Road rage" by a famous playwright.
Report by Ms de Meaner
There were lots within a millimetre of each other. Hard work! £15 to the winners; the bottle goes to John O'Byrne.
Antony The speeding Brutus
Hath told you Caesar did cut him up;
If it were so, it was a grievous failure to check his mirrors,
And grievously hath Caesar answered it.
Here, at the trial of Brutus -
For Brutus is an honourable man;
So are you all, honourable men -
Come I to speak for the prosecution.
He was my friend, always giving lifts to me:
But Brutus says he cut him up,
And Brutus is an honourable man.
He hath brought many hitchhikers home to Rome
Whose petrol money did the general coffers fill:
Did this Caesar seem unfit to drive on motorways?
When faster cars had come close behind, Caesar had moved aside:
Driving on a motorway should be made of sterner stuff:
Yet Brutus says he cut him up;
And Brutus is an honourable man.
You all have heard by Junction 25
He thrice had chance to overtake,
Which he did thrice refuse: why then cut Brutus up?
Yet Brutus says he cut him up;
And Brutus is an honourable man.
I speak not to disprove what Brutus said,
But here I speak what I do know.
David Carrington/Shakespeare
Road Foul
The insides of two motorcars. BENNETT is an Oxbridge don, a professor of linguistics. He is about thirty, short, balding. He is sitting upright, in a coiled position, on the right as we look across the motorway in an easterly direction. He is accompanied by a bored-looking young female, shaven-headed, in her early twenties. She is eating a Mars bar. HALLISSEY is about sixty. He is also a don, but specialises in the field of molecular chemistry. He is unaccompanied. On the vacant seat beside him is lying an AA handbook. Bennett is the more aggressive of the two, wearing a T-shirt with the slogan on the front: KING OF THE LINGIES. He is smoking a big, fat cigar.
The motorway is by no means full. There are four lanes. The average speed is about sixty-five. Bennett is behind Hallissey, in the fastest lane. He is about 4,000 metres behind, but gaining fast. Hallissey slows down as he consults the handbook (under which lies a sex manual). Bennett blasts his horn and flashes his R3-halogen red-filtered headlights. Hallissey looks in his rear-view mirror and makes a two- fingered gesture. Bennett in response keeps his hand on the horn and flashes his strobes on and off in rapid succession. Hallissey removes his right hand from the steering wheel, opens his electrically operated window and gestures primitively from outside the vehicle. Bennett forces his foot hard down on the accelerator pedal and overtakes Hallissey on the inside, at about ninety miles per hour, making a very rude gesture as he passes.
Bennett Asshole!
Hallissey Isotope!
John O'Byrne/Tom Stoppard
Lear Blow, horn, and crack your cheeks! Rage! Blow
You, caravans and Ford Mondeos! Woe
To you, O damned Vauxhall Astra vans,
Ye sulphurous articulated trucks
Rumble thy bellyful! Spit leaded fumes
Along the thick rotundity of this,
The God-forsaken, curs'd M25!
Strike back and forth, ye windscreen wipers, strike
Against the rain the thund'rous hail and - O!
Pull out, then, Ford Capri, nor indicate
Thy foul, ungrateful, murderous intent -
Then hog the middle lane for twenty miles,
And choke me with thy poisonous exhaust -
A plague! A plague on both your furry dice,
Your Garfield and your "I -Alton Towers"!
Would'st pour thy scorn and all thy leaky oil
Upon an old, despised Hillman Imp!
David Silverman/Shakespeare
Waiting for Go
Estragon So, we still have to wait. How much longer must we wait? This waiting is endless.
Vladimir Not endless, for it will change, I tell you, it always changes, in the end.
Estragon But is there an end? We have waited so long already. That other chap went. He drove his way through.
Vladimir Yes, he had a fine rage. But we must wait.
Estragon Why can't we have some rage? Some rage might do us good.
Vladimir And it might do us some bad. I knew a fellow once who raged against the night. It didn't help.
Estragon What happened?
Vladimir He died.
Estragon Isn't it worth having a go?
Vladimir Go? No, we must wait. Waiting is good for the soul.
Estragon And the heel, I suppose, if you're just sitting around, but I would rather put my foot down.
Vladimir We have to put our foot down, on the brake.
Estragon On the brake? I need a break, a break from this waiting. Is there still no change? There must be change. Nothing lasts for ever, but this is nothing, and nothing lasts for ev . . .
Vladimir WILL YOU SHUT UP!
Katie Mallett/Samuel Beckett
No 3600 Set by George Cowley
George Lucas wrote in the NS of the "priceless eternal love of playing with ideas enjoyed by sixth-formers for generations"! Let's have a discussion between two "typical" sixth-formers today. Max 200 words by 14 October.
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
Post this article to
We want to encourage people to comment on our content and to exchange views with other readers and hope this will be done on a courteous basis. However, if you encounter posts which are offensive please let us know by using the 'report this comment' facility or by emailing comments@newstatesman.co.uk and we will take swift action where necessary.
