New Statesman Scotland
A recent newspaper headline screamed "Pensioner's Tesco visit leaves five vehicles smashed". An elderly white-haired lady apparently caused more car wrecks than the average grand prix. But lest anyone think that the combination of OAPs and mph is always a dangerous one, let us applaud John Emmett Farrell. At the recent world veterans athletic championships held at Gateshead, the 92-year-old Glaswegian won one race and was second in two others. According to Farrell, the real opposition did not come from whippersnappers of 70 or even 80, but from his main rival, a Portuguese nonagenarian by the name of Santos, "a tough and wiry individual".
Following his astonishing victory, Farrell was almost overcome by the carnival-like reaction of the crowd. Much to his surprise and embarrassment, an attractive and ample lady spectator rushed up and wrapped the Glaswegian in a warm and clinging embrace. She was a scantily clad and sultry Brazilian lady, but her enthusiasm did not leave Farrell at a loss for words. "Well," he gasped, "there seems to be an awful lot of coffee in Brazil." What this referred to was unclear, but the lady immediately unhanded him and went on her way, if not full of beans, then certainly bemused.
Farrell has no need of performance-enhancing drugs such as nandrolone or even Viagra. He plans to compete in Brazil next year. Rio or bust.
Would Scottish football get a lift from the sale of official club condoms? Glasgow Rangers most certainly do not think so, having taken a firm stand against a proposal that their Lion Rampant logo should appear on such items. Although some English clubs have agreed to this unusual extension of their commercial activities, Rangers are not for it. Most definitely not. Which is a pity, since Celtic's reaction would have been interesting.
Would official club condoms have been sold in the Brother Walfrid Lounge? Would the rhythm of the team have been upset? On the other hand, while Rangers may currently be on the up and up, could 'Gers condoms have caused the bubble to burst?
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