New Statesman Scotland
With friends like Peter Clarke, the remaining rump of the Scottish Tory party hardly needs any enemies. He has just made his will and instructed that on his death his executors should deliver his corpse to Conservative HQ in Edinburgh, where he expects to be in an advanced state of putrefaction before they manage to work out what to do with him.
Clarke is planning his future farewell gesture as an act of revenge because the Tories won't let him stand as a candidate anywhere, not since he was blocked as the prospective candidate for East Lothian in a row over whether or not he supported incest between consenting adults. A battle in the English High Court secured £20,000 in damages from the Independent following unfounded allegations that he was a paedophile. Despite his vindication, the man who was once a personal assistant to such Tory luminaries as Enoch Powell and Keith Joseph has never been taken on in any other constituency. "As they would not use my mind while I was alive I direct my executors to consign my body to the party's offices on my death," he said. "I fully expect to decompose while they dither about what to do with me. I will undoubtedly smell a bit. It serves them right." There are two significant flaws in Clarke's diabolical plot. He claims to be of sound mind, even though he continues to pay his annual £25 sub to the Tories. He also says he has no intention of dying until Britain withdraws from the EU, or the Common Market, as he calls it, so he is likely to be around for some time yet.
Scotland on Sunday
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