No 3592 Set by Frank Dunnill
You were asked to send in an open letter in poetic form to a politician on any topic on which you felt he/she needed advice.
Report by Ms de Meaner
I allowed silly entries because we all know people who are members of the green-ink brigade. Sadly, however, I couldn't find the space for D A Prince's letter to the PM on Siphonoptera (cat fleas, to you) - even though the idea of Tony banishing cat fleas from my house did make me salivate. Hon menshes to D A Prince, T Griffiths and Maggie Norton. £12 to the lucky winners below. The champagne goes to Nick MacKinnon.
My dear Glenda Jackson,
one's afraid you'll be back soon,
having failed in your bid to be mayor.
But your good friends in Camden
will forgive and forget then,
overlooking this foolish affair.
We'll of course reselect you
and, no doubt, re-elect you,
if you're willing to stand here again.
But watch it, dear Glenda!
For those of our gender
must tread with particular care:
when we get to be sixty
it's politically risky
to be seen to be dyeing our hair.
Violet Philpott
Dear Mr Blunkett, do your best
to finish this, a simple test:
Why are your boffins so obsessed
with calculating average scores?
Perhaps, behind some silent doors,
a clever statistician pores
upon their cause and their effect?
What evidence does he inspect?
What is he hoping to detect?
These tables, charts - what makes you keen,
inhaling their strange ephedrine?
What is it that you mean by mean?
What is it that they prove, and how?
Leagues, every key stage - do you bow
before each strange and sacred cow?
You've forty minutes, starting now.
Will Bellenger
Would the honourable Mr Prescott
kindly enlighten the House
as to why the London Underground,
out of two hundred and ninety-five stations,
is the name of only
one
devoid of letters from the word
MACKEREL?
And could he
please
tell us
what he
and his so-called
"new Labour" colleagues
intend to do about this?
(Hear! Hear! . . . )
David Silverman
The Mongol hordes with their swords do it,
From the earliest date,
Overseas Yanks in their tanks do it,
(Always just a bit late).
Serbs do it,
Kurds do it,
Thatchers, Carringtons and Hurds do it,
Let's do it: let's start a war!
Saronged Vietcong in Saigon do it,
(Charlie really kicked ass);
Goddamn Saddam and Imams do it,
Firing Scudsful of gas.
Moors do it,
Boers do it,
The 2nd Staffordshire Light Horse do it,
Let's do it: let's start a war!
Nick MacKinnon
No 3595 Set by John Crick
According to Matthew Fort, in the Observer, food is "a way of nailing the contemporary zeitgeist". Could we have a comic/satiric description of a dinner party in which the food and the attitudes of the diners are making some sort of statement about the way we live now. Two hundred words max, and in by 9 September.
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
Dear Mr Dobson, has our product missed
The first NICE test evaluation list?
Wide spectrum use - for all distress and pain -
We guarantee PLACEBO will contain
No harmful genes, or additives, or dirt;
It's made of pure white buffer, quite inert,
Extracted from the ancient hills of Gower,
With just a hint of herbal elderflower,
And tinctures squeezed from Tuscan lollo rosso,
And ripe yohimbe from the Matto Grosso.
The evidence is clear, and peer-reviewed -
The BMJ has backed its rectitude -
PLACEBO's just as good for varied ills
As many more expensive types of pills.
So get PLACEBO cleared without delay:
See public money saved the easy way.
Anne Du Croz
