No 3589 Set by Leonora Casement
An old comp was mentioned in our Internet column a few weeks ago, which featured Nanookie of the North and sex on some greasy sealskins. We asked for similarly anaphrodisiac sex scenes.
Report by Ms de Meaner
Ah, sex! It is a rare being who can write good sex, an even better one who can write anaphrodisiac sex. Indeed a large number of you seemed to think that the sort of stuff we find in Mills & Boon novels counts. Now who was it who sent in the following? " . . . and suddenly Lorna knew - not from the thickening of his voice, the ardent breath, the fervent grasp of his arms still wet from his swift and timely plunge to save her, not from the exciting and growing bulk of him pressed against her; but from the deepest part of her own body, to which her soaking dress clung ever so closely . . . " No, I wouldn't be so cruel. That I, in all my towering sophistication, would find this risible enough is not open to question. However, we must think of the millions who are already panting for more.
I was also a little unsure about John O'Byrne's version of Last Tango in Paris. "As if compelled by some dark sexual force, I met him day after day in this bare Paris apartment. We would have sex but we would not speak, not about ourselves." And so quite pleasingly on, until the well-known denouement, which is this time a little different, with the woman crying out in disgust, "I can't believe it's not butter", as the man reaches back into some plastic container. Not anaphrodisiac at all. Quite nice actually, with as good a descent into bathos as I've ever known.
Hon menshes to D A Prince ("fetid, ripening stench from the abattoir") and Will Bellenger ("partially grilled sausage, spouting gravy the way her grandmother used to make it: thick, luscious, strange and beige"). £15 to the winners, and the bottle of champagne to Watson Weeks.
Carruthers inserted the palang, in this case a short piece of bamboo, through the transverse hole in the end of his penis, the result of an operation performed by the village elders. It was a great honour to be invited to pleasure the senior wife of the Chief's household, and it was vital not to be found wanting. Smeared with a cocktail of anal secretions from indigenous rodents, he entered the hut and groped for Kinabulu's generous contours in the semi-darkness, guided as much by smell as by touch, for she was similarly anointed. Anchoring himself securely to such a lavishly lubricated form would be difficult. Then, as she enfolded him in a stifling embrace, he became aware of rustlings, slithering movements. She read his mind: "Be calm, Carootharse. The snakes are sacred. They will bless your manhood, so that it is tireless." A menacing figure loomed above them. Biting off his left earlobe, she explained: "My husband must see for himself that his hospitality is not rewarded with insults. You must please me, Carootharse - and often. The panga is not for show."
Watson Weeks
I was F W Taylor's first lay. Imagine! Me, a little clerk in the Germantown steelworks, and him, the pioneer of time-and-motion study. Always the romantic, he sent me a copy of the report . . .
15 October 1898: Apparel removal accomplished in 27 seconds using 105 hand movements. Task duration could be cut to 17 seconds with greater use of zip-fasteners and elimination of mouth-to-mouth contact. Female interface covered with unsightly and possibly unhygienic hair: consider removal during weekly cleaning schedule. Female apparatus self-lubricating after 34 seconds of priming; however, recommend use of petroleum-based jelly. Male apparatus required minimal manual activation in first iteration. Entry angle at 11o horizontal did not permit optimum depth of penetration, owing to maldesign of testicular support system. Female operative arched back to to increase angle to 24o, placing undue stress on spine. Recommend use of 13o rubber-coated ramp pending scrotal realignment. Utilisation of metronome to maintain thrust frequency proved efficacious: operation commenced with 240 penis movements at 0.3 Hz, increasing to 0.65 Hz after 800 seconds. Simultaneity of task attainment achieved, following position enhancement initiated by female operative. Inequality of recovery times and durabilities suggests optimum male/female worker ratio of 3:1.
Nick MacKinnon
Lumbago, of course, makes it difficult, not to say painful; but I dare say it's worth it in the end. Lying down definitely did not work for us, partly because of the aforesaid difficulties - but partly also because of Sophronia's abscess, which caused at least a twinge, whatever position we tried. Celibacy, however, appealed to neither of us after our years at the monastery, where, as you will recall, she enjoyed for 40 years the post of telephonist. So we persisted. Upright against the wall was a failure, she being so much taller than me, and after I'd fallen off the footstool - breaking a rare pudding bowl and chipping an elbow - we abandoned that method. At last we discovered that if Sophronia knelt by the pouffe and bent forward, I, after lifting her skirts, was afforded comparatively easy access. And in this position, rocking back and forth, we spent many enjoyable if uncomfortable hours. It became our principal afternoon pastime. Indeed not seldom after lunch I would find her, wigless, kneeling and casting over her shoulder seductive looks of unfathomable erotic power. Nor was I unwilling to avail myself of her tacit invitation.
Gerard Benson
No 3592 Set by Frank Dunnill
We would like open letters, in poetic form (limit 16 lines), to prominent politicians on any topic you feel a need to engage them in. Entries to be in by 19 August.
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
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