No 3582 Set by Leonora Casement

We asked for a typical religious "ceremony" at a place of sporting worship.

Report by Ms de Meaner

How I hate it when so many of you send in good entries. It means I have to tear my hair out and generally do some work for a change. Hon menshes to Peter Lyon, Anne Du Croz, Nidhi Verma, Ian Birchall and G M Davis. I loved Nick MacKinnon ("And Thorburn withdrew, and knelt down and smoked. And his sweat was like great drops of blood falling down to the ground. And he prayed, 'Father, if thou be willing, take this shot for me'. And he rose and smote the white ball . . . "). But it didn't really obey the rules. £15 to winners; the bottle goes to John O'Byrne.

Outside, before the service, the communion supper is eaten. To celebrate deliverance from the poison of sin, congregants eat infected dead animal entrails placed between pieces of chemically processed bread, with genetically modified tomato ketchup to represent lifeblood. This differs from the liturgy at Norwich, where quiche is eaten amid repeated cries of "Great is Delia of the Profiteroles".

Later, the congregation renounces the Devil and all his ways. Worshippers are invited to rise and a hymn is sung: "Stand up if you hate Manu". If any Manu- worshippers are spotted, members of the congregation exorcise the demons by holding their arms aloft, waving their right hands in the air towards them.

Towards the end, there is the ceremonial blowing of bubbles, accompanied by a hymn signifying humanity's eternal search for Divine Grace through prayer. "I'm forever blowing bubbles . . . They fly so high, nearly reach the sky . . . " Finally, the congregation is invited to kneel and pray for those about to go on a pilgrimage:

"We're all going to Wem-bley,

Our knees have gone all trem-bly

La La La Laa . . . "

David Silverman

The "Mens Finales" is an annual homage to the rain gods, which takes place in a grass amphitheatre sacred to Juno, within the SW19 city boundary. The religious purpose is to appease the deities with strawberries and tarpaulin. It is customary for plebeians to form a line outside the amphitheatre of worship well in advance of the ceremony. Many of these people, who will have stood for up to eight days in soaring temperatures, will be eventually turned away by the Praetorian Guard, but their gestures of fealty will not go unrewarded as their images will be displayed on screens for all to see and smile at. The aristocratic, patrician and star classes have the best seats.

Rites commence when two priests in white ("cedes"), carrying frames strung with catgut, walk to the centre space or court and swish the air (the warding off of evil spirits). They are waited on by young acolytes who throw hairy balls, which the cedes attempt to hit into a net strung across two posts. This "ludicrum" or "play" is a demonstration to the gods of "servile" man, and the effects of ill-advised networkings. There are many loud expressions of Love throughout. At the end, one of the priests holds up a silver plate (pleading for the protection of the gods), to the great delight of the congregation. The gods will signify their acceptance with torrential rain, hence the ceremony of the tarpaulins.

John O'Byrne

At the Stadium of Light, the faithful congregate to watch a ceremony for which there is no substitute, unless Pastor Reid so determines. From each wing, the Cross is steady, and the Host is safely popped into the waiting Mouth. Then there arises a cry, an ululation, a speaking in tongues, to the eternal delight of the watchful, and across the water there is hope brought to those who had hardly a Prayer. Now they lift the Cup to their lips, and remember their Keeper in their hour of need, he who has saved them time and time again from the darkness and despond of years gone by: Sorenson, truly the Son of Soren. And let us recall their Chant. And let us remember their Passion, passing beyond belief. "Mark! Mark!" insists their pastor, and this is their Gospel: that they will reach the Promised Land, for Christ's Sake. The Way is Straight and Narrow, and, in the Hour of their Triumph, welcoming. Is Woman Arisen? Is Man United? The spirit is within them, and they bless the sweet FA with everything to prove. And their touch is divine.

Will Bellenger

In snooker, God's generative power appears as the long, sturdy cue, while the white robe of Christ is emblematised in the Messianic cue ball, which propels and directs the motion of all other balls, subjecting their will to its own. Fifteen red balls represent the disciples and the Trinity, whose obedience, aid and goodwill the player must command in order to achieve salvation. As they land in their "pockets", their virtuous credit accumulates. This is the constructive side of the Redeemer's mission, saving souls; at the same time he must punish and abominate the Seven Deadly Sins - yellow (Sloth), green (Envy), brown (Gluttony), blue (Pride), pink (Lust), black (Anger) and his opponent (Covetousness) - that seek to defeat him. The Rest reminds us of the Sabbath; the Bridge prefigures our transit from this world to the next; and the blue of the chalk is the cerulean shade of the Madonna's cloak. Viewed in the right context, the code is easily read. Far from being a low, money-driven, secular ritual, snooker preserves with astonishing clarity the symbolism of its origins in the shadowy caves of Rome.

Basil Ransome-Davies

No 3585 Set by Leonora Casement

We want a chatty letter to a friend about a close if temporary acquaintanceship with a personage who is well known but whose identity remains unknown to the letter-writer. Max 200 words by 1 July.

E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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