"Daddy, why can't my role model go on tour to Australia?" "You mean Lawrence Dallaglio, the England flank forward and rugby union captain?" "Yes, of course."
"Well, my son, I am afraid that he has admitted to something very serious. He has ingested a potentially dangerous drug, which can lead to antisocial behaviour; which has mind-altering effects; which may impair physical and mental performance; which causes long-term damage to health; and which can lead to an addiction that has ruined millions of lives, careers and families - "
"Oh, you mean alcohol? I've heard about rugby players going on drinking bouts and smashing up hotel rooms."
"No, you foolish boy. I'm talking about cocaine. He's allegedly confessed to snorting cocaine and, what's more, to selling it - "
"To other players? Or to the fans? Will he try to sell me some when I ask for his autograph?"
"Well, nobody in particular, and he's denied it anyway. What's alleged all happened before you were born, actually, when he was a teenager."
"Cocaine must be really terrible, mustn't it? Worse than beer or cigarettes. Does it give you lung cancer straightaway?"
"Er . . . no, I don't think so. But it's . . . it's . . . well, illegal."
"Oh, now I see. My role model must have been in court. I did notice that another of my role models, Jeremy Guscott, the England rugby centre, had been in court as well. I expect he's been taking cocaine and he won't go to Australia either."
"My dear boy, you're hopelessly muddled. Guscott is charged with grievous bodily harm after what is called a 'road rage' incident and . . . well, he can still go on the Australian tour. But Dallaglio hasn't been charged with anything."
"I don't understand - "
"You will when you grow up. Trust me. Now, Dallaglio has been charged - I mean, exposed - by the News of the World in a fearless example of investigative journalism, which it splashed across four pages. We should all be grateful to Phil Hall, the editor of the paper, and his skilled team of reporters for this great public service."
"Why, Daddy?"
"What do you mean why? Because Dallaglio is your role model and, if he snorts cocaine, you will snort cocaine, too. In fact, you've probably started already; let me search your pockets."
"But, Daddy, I didn't even know he took cocaine until you told me. I wouldn't mind trying some, though. Lots of successful, clever people seem to take it. Do you think I could get to captain England or play for Aston Villa like Paul Merson or get to Cannes like Tom Parker Bowles? I mean, it didn't seem to do them much harm, did it?"
"If you carry on being facetious in that way, child, I shall send you to bed. Now, listen carefully. You now have a new role model who has replaced Dallaglio as England captain. He is called Martin Johnson, a fine, law-abiding, upstanding citizen and you should look up to him and imitate his behaviour so that, when you are an adult, you are just like him - "
"Is he the one who was always being sent to the sin-bin for ten minutes for punching his opponents or kicking them? The one the commentators say must learn to control his temper? Didn't I see him thumping somebody in an end-of-season friendly?"
"Well, yes, child, but that's all men together, all in the heat of the game. It's the kind of thing that happens. They all have a snort - I mean a drink - together after the game and it's all forgotten."
"So it's all right if I punch people when I'm playing rugby?"
"No, of course not, and I shall spank you - I mean, tell you off - if you do. Role models are only human; you don't need to admire everything they do."
"So how do I know which bits to admire and which not?"
"I think it's time for bed."
"But, before I go, I want some more role models, because I'm a bit confused over this Johnson man. What about Ian Botham?"
"Sorry, in the Sun for 'balcony romps with blonde' only the other day. What's more, they allegedly 'cavorted passionately on a sofa for ten hours solid' and 'writhed half-naked on the floor'."
"Lenny Henry?"
"Also in the Sun. He had 'a night with a blonde in a hotel room'."
"What about one of the tabloid newspaper editors?"
"Ah, now you're talking."
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