No 3569 Set by Leonora Casement
You were asked for children's definitions of jobs.
Report by Ms de Meaner
This was hard. I am awarding hon menshes to David Silverman ("First, social workers have a cup of coffee in a mug decorated with brown rings inside"), Will Bellenger ("A disc-jockey is someone who talks over the records so nobody can hear them, especially if they are very bad") and Alanna Blake ("A nanny is a girl who comes to live with you. She is called a minx"). The winners get £15. The bottle goes to Nick MacKinnon.
Oh, and many apologies for getting the deadline for entries wrong for two weeks.
A bouncer is a man who teaches people to yo-yo in nightclubs. This gives him lots of exercise so he gets very big muscles with tattoos on them.
A Home Secretary is a man who does not go out to work, as he is always in the house or in a large, shiny car.
A spokesman is a man who mends wheels.
A Prince of Wales is a kind of big fish.
A member of the bar is a man who drinks a lot. This makes him bald, so he wears a wig.
T Griffiths
My superteacher is so super that she has to go on lots of courses so we always have a supply. A supply teacher is one where you know what day of the week it is by the teacher that you have. The Ofsted inspector came and shouted at our Monday supply teacher because she didn't have an anti-bully policy pinned up on the wall and she went home crying and the Ofsted man had to take the class. They are called Ofsted because they are inspectors ofsted of being superteachers. He gave us lots of forms to fill in ofsted of learning anything and said it was value added. We sat down to read our books as usual but he said we mustn't because it wasn't literacy hour so we did more forms ofsted. When it was numeracy hour he told us about special measures, but they didn't measure anything it was just more forms for everyone to fill in ofsted of doing any real sums. Everyone in the class was better at real sums than the Ofsted man but he said it was because we all came from nice houses so it wasn't value added.
Nick MacKinnon
An estate agent is someone who puts a flag in your front garden.
A spin-doctor is someone who tries to make the Prime Minister better.
A police officer is someone who takes bad people into custard.
A social worker is a lady who tells Mummy what to do about Daddy.
A hacker makes computer programs diseased.
A farmer is a man who gets money for growing weeds.
Katie Mallett
A tobacconist is a bad man who tries to kill people by selling them cigarettes and make children's teeth fall out by selling them sweets. My Dad says he is also a criminal because he sells cigarettes at £3.60 a packet. The tobacconist can do this because he has the protection of the Smoking Lobby which is a flame-thrower he keeps under the counter.
An air hostess lives behind a curtain in an aeroplane. She has bad legs and has to lean on a trolley every time she comes out. She gives you food in packets which you can unwrap but not eat because you are just coming in to land at Manchester.
N Syrett
A dinner lady don't take no nonsense and never let you have just chips. She tell you to eat with your mouth close, and not to wriggle on the form or you will get splinters. If you sit up straight she say you can have seconds of dinners and afters. She shout a lot and she don't let you have no water at the tables. She remember about the old days. A dinner lady can stop fights easy. When you fall over she put a plaster on, and if you get hurt bad she take you home.
A teacher is a lady with a loud voice that reach right to the back of the hall in assembly. She see when you pull someone's hair. She say she have eyes in the back of her head. If you say "fuck" in class she tell you off. If you flood the cloakrooms or run through the girls toilets pulling the chains, she get your Mum to come up and there is a row in the headteacher's room. Your Mum say if she go for you again, she will get your Dad to sort her out.
Anne Du Croz
No 3572 Set by George Cowley
Given his ability to empathise so deeply with his subjects, could we have extracts from Andrew Morton's biography of either Bill Clinton or Prince Charles. You have a maximum of 200 words, to be in by 1 April. If you feel uninspired by these two, you may have T Blair instead.
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
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