The perfect lie-in needs to be immaculately prepared. Children - the occasional by-product of previous perfect lie-ins - should have been removed from the house the day before or, if this is impossible, plonked in front of a video with a violent but gripping plot-line and a bumper bag of crisps.
Good coffee is the key to breakfast-time bliss. If you must, Percol's Fairtrade Latin American organic coffee satisfies all your principles but lacks flavour. To make yourself feel trendy, try the Seattle Coffee Company's Seattle City Blend - the label alone will cheer you up and the coffee's good, too. Failing that, Costa Coffee's cafetiere blend has the right bite, or Whittard's vanilla coffee is something special.
A large cafetiere-full is essential - with a jug of hot milk to save trips downstairs to warm up the third cup. Meanwhile, heat up a chunk of baguette or half a ciabatta, get some unsalted butter and bring out the marmalade. In a properly ordered household, this will be by Keillers of Dundee, but Oxford thick cut is also acceptable. Cereal should be avoided at all costs. Too depressing for a really self-indulgent laze.
There is one more essential task: the Saturday or Sunday papers must be shaken out, removing the advertising rubbish, and stripped of any unrequired supplements. A perfect lie-in read will include: one filthy scandal involving a politician you never much liked; one piece of writing so bad you need to read it out loud; a brilliant joke; and one piece of critical writing about something you've actually seen - film, football match, TV show, whatever.
Finally, use two fat pillows apiece; do not employ a radio or television; take the phone off the hook. If you require music, it must be Schubert or early Fleetwood Mac, depending on your taste.
