No 3564 Set by Di Vorce
We asked you for dialogue between a marriage guidance counsellor and any figure, current or historical.
Report by Ms de Meaner
Lots of goodies. Ian Birchall sent in two that were almost as good as each other. John Farnon's clip from Frasier made me weep as I consigned it to the hon mesh outer darkness. I allowed fictional couples (after all, many of you sent in Adam and Eve, which opened the door). I toyed with George Deacon's Antonia and Harold, but the absence of a marriage guidance counsellor from the script rather broke the rules, I felt. Hon menshes also to Will Bellenger (Macbeth and Lady M) and D A Prince (Lot and Mrs Lot) - "Counsellor Difficult, I know. Looking back: is that the way forward? How deep-rooted is your own position? Lot She won't budge. Like a rock . . . Counsellor Aren't you being rather hard? Lot Not as hard as she is . . . " £15 to the winners; the bottle goes to Nick MacKinnon.
Marriage guidance counsellor Tell me about the picnic.
Sylvia It was a place of force, wind gagging my mouth with my own blown hair, tearing off my voice . . .
Ted A fresh day. A gorse cliff . . .
Sylvia I tasted the malignity of the gorse; its black spikes, extravagant, like torture . . .
Ted It seemed perfect to me; we fed the babies; then I found the snares . . .
Sylvia They effaced themselves, zeros, shutting on nothing, set close like birth pangs . . .
Ted A copper wire gleam, a sacred ancient custom . . .
Sylvia I felt hands round a tea mug, dull, blunt. How they awaited him, those little deaths!
Ted She saw blunt fingers, blood in the cuticles, clamped round a blue mug. I saw country poverty filling a Sunday stewpot.
Sylvia The snares excited him. They waited like sweethearts. And they were tight wires between us, pegs too deep to uproot, and a mind like a ring, sliding shut on some quick thing!!
Ted She was weeping with rage that cared nothing for rabbits!! She was locked in a chamber gasping for oxygen!!!
Counsellor I see . . . Read this government white paper, Relationships and the Nuclear Family, and I'm sure everything will be all right.
Nick MacKinnon
Marriage guidance counsellor Would you like some coffee?
Mick Jagger (nods) Brown sugar.
Counsellor What problem do you have with your wife?
Jagger I can't get no satisfaction.
Counsellor Have things always been like this?
Jagger She was hot.
Counsellor But things have deteriorated?
Jagger She's so cold.
Counsellor And do you thinks there's any prospect of a reconciliation?
Jagger Come on!
Jerry Hall Don't put all the blame on me. Who was the last woman you slept with? And when?
Jagger Ruby. Tuesday.
Counsellor You do realise you're causing your wife great mental distress?
Jagger (shrugs) Nineteenth nervous breakdown.
Counsellor Perhaps other members of your family could help.
Jagger (to Hall) Have you seen your mother?
Hall Let's stop messing about. I want a lot of money out of you.
Jagger Get off of my cloud.
Counsellor We really should make an effort to try and save this marriage. Don't either of you think it has any future?
Hall And don't say "It's all over now". It's so corny. (She walks out)
Jagger (to counsellor) Let's spend the night together.
Ian Birchall
Molly I don't know what you do all day. Walk around town talking to people? A likely story. There's always a smell of drink off you.
Leopold I'd like to remind you that I'm an advertising executive; my job involves canvassing and a lot of entertaining. At least I don't lie in bed all day, faking orgasms.
Molly How dare you! I've heard from a reliable source that you've been in night-time brothels with that pup Dedalus.
Counsellor Grey twilight lowering on the snotgreen sea. Eve, peace, the dusk of wonder. I launch forth on an easy wave of marital-enjoining guidances . . .
Leopold There's never a meal on the table. If it wasn't for Mrs Fleming I'd be a skeleton by now.
Molly Your appetites are disgusting. The smell of gorgonzola and the inner organs of beasts. Thick giblet soup, nutty gizzards, grilled mutton kidneys . . .
Leopold I'm all metaphor, woman! I represent the best qualities of the mind. I'm Everyman . . .
Molly You're definitely a failure in the husband department.
Counsellor Oh agenbite of inwit . . .
Leopold And another thing. I suspect that Blazes Boylan has been in my bed.
Molly A very considerate lover, yes, yes, yes . . .
Counsellor Torpid daylight. The hours run, my fees doubled and Dubling. He sez, she sez, ulysses. Where's the matter in all this natter?
John O'Byrne
No 3567 Set by Leonora Casement
How many literary questions remain unanswered or which could do with a better explanation ("Oh, what can ail thee knight at arms?"; "God save thee ancient Mariner! . . . Why look'st thou so?")? Max 200 words and in by 25 February.
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