No 3562 Set by Leonora Casement
Inspired by a report in the Guardian of a Utah criminology professor's tips to parents looking for signs of drug use in their children (as well as the more usual signs, he offered "excessive preoccupation with social issues, race relations, environmental issues, etc"), we asked for letters from anguished parents detailing their offspring's symptoms and asking for advice.
Report by Ms de Meaner
Truly excellent. Sometimes my faith in you is more than restored. All of you can give yourselves hon menshes, especially Nick MacKinnon for his: "Donny, if English was good enough for the Lord Jesus Christ, it ought to be good enough for you." £15 to the winners, and the bottle goes to Neil Rennick. I don't remember the name. Can it be that Neil gets the bottle on his first-ever entry? Well done!
I am seeking your help as I understand you are something of an expert in combating drug misuse. I am very concerned about a member of my "family". Until recently, Gordon has always been very considerate and sensible, if a little moody and shy with girls. However, he has taken to making statements about the need for "greater equality" and "more investment in public services". These vague, almost incoherent, announcements are completely at odds with his previous prudent and purposeful manner and are certainly not the type of ideas I encourage in my House. He also gave up his good friend, Peter, in favour of a very rough young man, Charlie, whom I have now had to ban him from seeing. Drug misuse appears to be the only credible explanation. I am particularly worried that Gordon's deviant behaviour may encourage other members of my "family" to believe they, too, can misbehave.
Neil Rennick
We are desperately worried about our 14-year-old son, Jamie. A year ago he stopped eating meat - ostensibly for health and animal-welfare reasons. Then he refused all eggs except proven free-range products. Soon he turned his nose up at any fruit or vegetables except unwaxed, unsprayed and convincingly organic ones. The slightest hint of genetically modified soya - or anything else - and he will not touch it!
We thought that he would experiment, as all normal lads do, with the occasional cigarette, Ecstasy tablet, alcopop, beer, glue-sniffing or what have you, but none of them seemed to tempt him!
We took him to soccer matches in the hope of his getting involved with a bit of healthy hooliganism, but no such luck: he just slunk quietly home! Our last resort was to leave him alone with a very pretty little girlfriend. Surely something would happen, even if it meant her getting pregnant. However, when we accidentally intruded upon him, they were playing chess!
We are at the end of our tether! Please, what on earth can we do to save our son from whatever it is that he is hooked on?
Eric Swainson
Amanda's out of control, no respect for authority.
It started when she claimed the headmaster raped her. We told her it was all in the imagination, but she wouldn't let it drop - I think pregnancy unbalanced her.
Then the house was firebombed. The police explained there was no racial motive - just local youngsters getting carried away with a celebration. As the superintendent pointed out, they'd even painted BNP on the door - for "Boisterous New Year Party". Amanda went on and on about setting up an Anti-Nazi League. I just told her it gave them the publicity they wanted. Did she listen?
Last week the canal overflowed - we live downstream from a chemicals factory. It isn't very nice having six inches of sludge over the living-room floor, but they've told us it's just till work on the Jubilee Line is finished. Amanda's going nag-nag-nag about demonstrations and suing the council. She's upsetting me. I think that's why I've got rashes everywhere. The doctor's doubled my Valium. I used to be able to get to sleep after half a bottle of whisky. Now I lie awake worrying if Amanda's like this because she's on drugs.
Ian Birchall
No 3565 Set by Margaret Rogers
Richard Ingrams has wondered in print how long it will be before Internet Anonymous is founded to help addicts. We would like scenes from a meeting of IA. Two hundred words max and in by 11 February.
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