"Daddy, that Mr Mandelson is a very wicked man, isn't he?" "Yes, my son, very wicked indeed. He's done wrong." "So many wrong things: he didn't speak out against dropping bombs on Baghdad, he wasted all that money on the Millennium Dome, he wouldn't give trade unions all the recognition rights they wanted, he kept sneering at everything the Labour Party had done for the past 50 years, and I expect he upset lots of people because he was so strong for the euro, though we're in favour of it - Daddy, why are you sighing and shaking your head?"
"You silly, ignorant boy, ministers don't have to resign for those sorts of reasons. He borrowed money to buy a house."
"Borrowed money? Everyone borrows money to buy houses."
"Yes, yes, but he borrowed it from Geoffrey Robinson."
"Who is a very nasty man and who was really bribing him so that he could sell arms to Iraq or something - "
"No, no, we are referring to Geoffrey Robinson, the former paymaster-general. The worst thing he's been accused of so far is being an associate of Robert Maxwell."
"That's the Geoffrey Robinson who owns the New Sta - "
"Shhh . . . do be quiet, child. Otherwise, people will say the NS should write about him with the same fearless frankness as Times journalists write about Rupert Murdoch. I can tell you, though, that Mr Robinson had to resign as well."
"Why, Daddy, why?"
"Well, you can't have ministers lending money to one another. They might ask for favours in return."
"Like a job and a big salary?"
"Yes, I mean, no . . . Mr Robinson didn't take a salary."
"Well, he got to work in the Treasury, didn't he? He must have wanted to make laws so that he didn't have to pay so much tax."
"Er, he made laws so that he has to pay more tax, actually. But the thing is that Mr Robinson had been reported to Mr Mandelson for allegedly breaking company law and . . . er . . . are you sure you wouldn't like to go away and play?"
"No, Daddy. I want to get this straight: Mr Robinson lent the money so that he would get off?"
"Well, not really. When he made the loan, Labour was still in opposition, you see, so he couldn't have known that Mr Mandelson would ever be trade and industry secretary, even if he'd known that he would ever be accused of breaking the law. The bad thing is that they kept it all a secret."
"I see, sort of. But if it was a secret, how did it get out?"
"Oh, that was the other lot."
"What other lot?"
"Think of it like the playground: there are two gangs, Gordon's gang and Tony's gang, and both Gordon and Tony want to be head prefect and - "
"So Mr Mandelson and Mr Robinson were in one gang - "
"No, they're in different gangs."
"Oh, do be serious: why should one lend money to the other if they are in different gangs? And which gang let the secret out and why?"
"Look, you'll have to read Steve Richards (page 7) and John Lloyd (page 9) in the NS. Anyway, I think it must be your bedtime."
"Daddy, it's only 3 o'clock in the afternoon. Just tell me one thing. They will carry on governing as New Labour, won't they? I heard the Prime Minister say so: they were elected as New Labour and they will govern as New Labour."
"But they were elected as new Labour, not as New Labour."
"Are you feeling quite well, Daddy? Shall I fetch Mummy?"
"No, child, listen, this is important. Everybody except John Prescott and the NS talks and writes about New Labour these days, but there's no such thing. The Labour Party hasn't been renamed; in the last election, not a single candidate was described on the ballot paper as New Labour. People voted Labour, not New Labour. But everybody's giving "new" a capital letter these days, and they shouldn't. If Tony Blair isn't Labour, he should resign and leave the party, otherwise it's entryism. Then there's this project - "
"Daddy, I want to go and play Monopoly now."
"I don't think that's a good idea at all."
"Only teasing. I was just going to call for my friend Clinton and then we were going to drop bombs on that boy from the Asian family down the road. You know him, he's called Saddam."
"Oh, that's all right then."
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