No 3557 Set by John O'Byrne
You were asked for business euphemisms for 1999.
Report by Ms de Meaner
It's true: we British were born to speak in euphemisms. However, I junked a lot of entries on subjects like restructuring, downsizing, productivity gains, flexible working, globalisation and so on. Most of them we understand only too well - you're sacked, you will work longer hours and for less money. I also binned "Capital mobility: our accountant did a runner" from D A Prince, which although tres amusant, somehow felt more than mere euphemism. The winners get £12 each, Nick MacKinnon, R J Pickles, Peter Lyon, M E Ault and Jerry Ring get hon menshes (for "Millennium-compliant: rogue computers will be disabled by the caretaker with a spanner"; "Our chairman has extensive business experience, exceptional administrative skills, with a track record of innovative business development: a crook"; "Please do not hesitate to contact us: mercifully our numbers are permanently engaged"; "Excellent package of operative benefits: we have a canteen"; "Customer Call Centre: you don't get shunted from Billie to Jack any more - now one person is authorised not to answer your query"), and the bottle goes to Ian Birchall. Plus: everyone gets a copy of Graceful as a Duck on Roller-skates by John O'Byrne (Leopold Books). A happy Christmas to you all.
Valued customer: you once bought something from us
Market penetration: shafting the customer
Outsourcing: I know a man who knows a man . . .
Flexible working practices: you will obey!
Basil Ransome-Davies
Alternative incentive arrangements: we say "thank you" occasionally
Market repositioning exercise: desperately looking for customers
Personal employment contract: your terms are worse than anyone else's
Customer communications review: what new lies can we tell?
Customer interface review: and who should tell them?
Stephen Bibby
We are proud of our strong corporate structure: there is a Masonic lodge in the building
Corporate entertainment: meet my niece
Conservatively estimated: the biggest figure we can get away with
Nick Butler
I'll just put you on hold: Goodbye . . . and I hope you like Vivaldi
Negative Feng Shui: the office is a tip
Open plan: the office is a tip
The senior management team: the men
Senior management material: new male employee
Positive leadership style: fascist bastard
David Silverman
Flotation plans: we are expecting a new order soon
Go for broke: broke
Trust fund: the executors can't be trusted
Disaggregation: we can't find it anywhere
Executive summary: we'd rather you didn't read the rest
Mutual: none of your business
Will Bellenger
Business opportunity: this is a scam
Unique business opportunity: you've never seen a scam like this before
Never to be repeated business opportunity: we'll never get away with this one again
We apologise for the delay in dealing with this matter, but there are complicated issues involved: we've lost the papers
We are sorry there has been such a delay in the settlement of this affair, but the papers are currently being studied by our solicitors: they've lost the papers
Geoff Horton
Dynamic management style: snorts a lot of cocaine
A rapidly increasing market: there's one born every minute
Genuine concern for the environment: managers live a long way from the factory
Hands-off proprietor: he's in jail
Ian Birchall
No 3560 Set by Margaret Rogers
Instead of the eight new classes thought up by the Office for National Statistics, David Cannadine has suggested that "for many people their sense of social identity is much more determined by how they spend their money". Can we have eight new classes along these lines by 7 January.
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