No 3554 Set by George Cowley
You were asked for imaginary conversations between an (imaginary?) actress and bishop of your choice.
Report by Ms de Meaner
I knew this would be fiendishly difficult - and so it proved. £15 to winners; the bottle goes to Cynthia Hall.
Actress Do you have a dresser?
Bishop My wife has a stout chest, with shelves above it, but I don't believe it's original.
Actress Indeed not! It's one of the oldest lines in the book! I was inquiring whether someone helped you with your frocks?
Bishop Well, my wife . . .
Actress Oh, I couldn't go on without someone to zip me up. Do you learn your lines?
Bishop The text suffices.
Actress The text! I should be banned if I carried it. Yet you always look inspired. How do you see your congregation? Prey?
Bishop I certainly do!
Actress You could eat them alive? Me, too! I think of a certain him -
Bishop Which number?
Actress Any number - perhaps the one whose praises I sang too loud -
Bishop "Hold the Fort for I Am Coming"?
Actress I beg your pardon? Bishop?
Bishop It's a loud -
Actress Not by me! I am inspired by travelling towards the sea.
Bishop I have a see.
Actress And is your sea a raging torrent?
Bishop Rather inclement.
Actress Mine swirls around like a foam. I think of it as my fate.
Bishop Ah, I have vicars to deal with the fetes.
Will Bellenger
Actress Don't you just love dressing up, Your Grace? The frisson of putting on an embroidered gown absolutely stiff with pearls and wonderful goldy thread? And hats - they positively transform one. It's the sheer feeling of size - with feathers you can add masses to your height, and my dear, the sensation of authority is just too intoxicating, don't you find? Well, of course, I know you have to skip the feathers in your line of business, but the principle's the same, isn't it? Those wonderful, soaring points thrusting ever upwards. And accessories: those perfectly incredible Edwardian parasols giving one such personal space - extend it, and you've claimed three feet of stage. You must find that with those darling little cookie thingummies - "braziers", aren't they? Oh no, silly me, that's what ladies wear. Anyway, it simply doesn't matter whether you can act, does it, Your Grace? Purple's such a marvellously telling colour, and most people only notice presence, after all. And we can all do with a little help from our accoutrements. That's what the Thirty-Nine Articles is all about, isn't it? Now, Bishop darling, do let me rub your ears where that horrid old mitre's been pressing down . . .
Cynthia Hall
Actress Hi, Bish.
Bishop Hi, Trish.
Actress Is something up?
Bishop Be careful what you say.
Actress What?
Bishop Don't give them more ammunition.
Actress What's the problem?
Bishop Keep your voice down.
Actress Why?
Bishop The place is bugged.
Actress (whispers) What do you mean?
Bishop Someone's eavesdropping on our meetings and reporting our conversations.
Actress How do you know?
Bishop I keep overhearing things we've said.
Actress So what?
Bishop Well, they give everything a double meaning.
Actress So?
Bishop It sounds as though we're having a relationship.
Actress Right, we'd better find it then.
Bishop Yes, and no more ambiguous remarks.
Actress I'll start up here.
Bishop I'll look down below.
Actress I can see it.
Bishop Is it big?
Actress Big enough.
Bishop Can you get it out?
Actress Yes, it's sliding out quite easily.
Bishop Let me hold it.
Actress Certainly.
Bishop Who'd have thought it would be such a little thing, and it's quite hard, not easy to squash in.
Actress Size isn't always important.
Bishop What shall we do with it?
Actress Let's put it back in and . . .
Bishop Wait for the buggers to realise it's been cut off.
R J Pickles
No 3557 Set by John O'Byrne
We want some business euphemisms for 1999. Examples for you to mull over: sympathetic bank manager - sends us a card at Christmas; zero base option - a polite way of saying "no"; core business - obsolete product line. To win you must have at least five good entries (those who manage one will be in the report). Besides the cash prizes and bottle of champagne, all winners, including the hon menshes, will get a copy of Graceful as a Duck on Roller-skates by John O'Byrne (Leopold Books). In by 10 December.
E-mail: comp@ newstatesman.co.uk
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